In the early hours of December 8th, 1993, I received my call to ministry. It came in the form of a dream-vision from God.
At first in the dream-vision, I was being shown around an area that worried me, as it was of a Hindu teacher. Then this Voice I completely trusted told me I could trust this Hindu teacher, he was the real thing. So I turned back, and I was at Lake Shrine (the same place I had gone to during my month of silence in Los Angeles). Paramahansa Yogananda was standing in front of me, and just over a tiny bridge was Shunryu Suzuki. Yogananda told me firmly and directly I needed to be a minister. Before I could say anything, Rev. Russ - the minister of Santa Anita Church - came into sight, and began whispering into Yogananda's ears, his doubts about me. Yogananda kept nodding his head showing he was aware of everything Rev. Russ said. All the while, he never took his eyes off of me, and repeatedly said, "You need to be a minister, you need to be a minister. " Behind him Suzuki Roshi was nodding his head in vigorous agreement.
And that was it. I knew almost nothing about Yogananda. I was familiar with Shunryu Suzuki through his book Zen Mind, Beginners Mind which I had read in college. I had so many questions. Who was Yogananda, was forefront in my questions, so I went to the bookstore and discovered his book, Autobiography of a Yogi. I also wondered why God asked a Hindu and Buddhist to tell me to be a minister? what about Jesus? Of what was I to be a minister?
There were many questions, but the one question that I no longer asked was, what was I going to do with the rest of my life? I knew whatever it was going to look like, I was on the path to become a minister.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Jesus At His "Death"
"Jesus is the example not the exception" is a common understanding in New Thought. The idea is that The Christ is a principle, not a person. It is God fully awakened as individuality, of which Jesus is an (not "the") example. Thus, the intention is not to imitate Jesus, but listen and commune with Who (and What) Jesus was listening and communing. In this way, we each - made in the image and likeness of God- progress on our individual path to Christ Consciousness.
To be like Jesus has been my deepest desire since I was a girl. As I grew up, my understanding evolved into the above idea. It's a powerful concept, and sometimes this highly rational concept can lose the awe that comes with the rarity of fully realized Souls.
One afternoon in the fall of 1993, I was meditating on the mantra, "The Christ and I are One". Without knowing when I shifted, the "I" (beyond Harriet) was in a crowd of people and the aura/energy of the place was so sacred it almost had the feeling it shouldn't be touched. "I" was pushing through a crowd of people to see something, and then I saw. It was Jesus, laid out on stretcher of some kind, as He was being moved from the cross to the tomb. The energy I was feeling was coming from "Him", though His body was "dead". And that's it, I was back in my room, my breath taken away.
I barely even saw Him, and yet the vibration, the sacredness, was beyond anything I could ever possibly describe. Even writing it now, it brings me to tears in awe. I have written several of my altered -state/mystical experiences, yet nothing compares to the feeling of being for a moment in His Presence, even at His "death."
He may be the example, but I dare say, most of us have one heck of a long way to go before we will ever come close to living at His level of embodiment. I bow in joyful humility at what I do not understand.
To be like Jesus has been my deepest desire since I was a girl. As I grew up, my understanding evolved into the above idea. It's a powerful concept, and sometimes this highly rational concept can lose the awe that comes with the rarity of fully realized Souls.
One afternoon in the fall of 1993, I was meditating on the mantra, "The Christ and I are One". Without knowing when I shifted, the "I" (beyond Harriet) was in a crowd of people and the aura/energy of the place was so sacred it almost had the feeling it shouldn't be touched. "I" was pushing through a crowd of people to see something, and then I saw. It was Jesus, laid out on stretcher of some kind, as He was being moved from the cross to the tomb. The energy I was feeling was coming from "Him", though His body was "dead". And that's it, I was back in my room, my breath taken away.
I barely even saw Him, and yet the vibration, the sacredness, was beyond anything I could ever possibly describe. Even writing it now, it brings me to tears in awe. I have written several of my altered -state/mystical experiences, yet nothing compares to the feeling of being for a moment in His Presence, even at His "death."
He may be the example, but I dare say, most of us have one heck of a long way to go before we will ever come close to living at His level of embodiment. I bow in joyful humility at what I do not understand.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A Wild Revelation Blows My Mind
I told God I was willing to serve, in any way, on two conditions; it had to be enjoyable and I had to get paid enough to support myself. Coming from a time of such stillness, I effortlessly got I was to move back to the east coast, to which I effortlessly said yes. And continuing in this listening energy, when first a friend recommended for me to work in a psychiatric hospital (she worked in the mental health field), then my Dad's neighbor the next day told me about an opening at a private psychiatric hospital 5 minutes away, I acted.
For my first 3 weeks working as a psychiatric technician at Dominion Hospital, I cried every day. There was so much pain in that building and it seemed like I was feeling it all. Eventually, however, I did build up an immunity as I was told I would.
I loved working at Dominion! I loved that being of service 8 hours a day meant a lot of talking about real things. I was thrilled I received a paycheck for something I loved to do. In addition to the work, the staff was fun and I made some wonderful friends. I had never been happier in my life.
One day in the quiet of my apartment, I began to read some of my old journals, when I read something that blew my mind. 6 years earlier I had been having dreams where there was some discussion about my possible death. Everything was fine in my waking life, and the dreams themselves weren't emotional, just matter of fact. Then I had this dream, recorded August 16, 1987:
"I had a dream the other night about how I didn't want to die because I have so much to live for. I saw me working like in a psychiatric hospital, making friends with the staff and the feelings of comfort and love was there. All the senses seemed to be at work in an effort to convince somebody (I think it was myself or maybe God - something non-identifiable - or it was trying to convince me - there were 2 things there, who was doing the convincing and who was doing the listening is unknown) that to die now and I'd miss out on a very happy life. I must say it was pretty convincing and I woke up feeling refreshed and motivated and happy at the thought of such a nice future."
I shook as I read this knowledge written years before. What knew I was going to be working at this hospital and knew I'd be as happy as I was? And all the things that had happened in the 6 years in-between that dream and working at Dominion, did It know that was all going to happen to0? Did I really have choice in my life? So many questions, but I didn't try to answer them at that moment, I just let myself revel in the awe-inspiring mystery of this Love-Intelligence that was way, way beyond my human concepts.
For my first 3 weeks working as a psychiatric technician at Dominion Hospital, I cried every day. There was so much pain in that building and it seemed like I was feeling it all. Eventually, however, I did build up an immunity as I was told I would.
I loved working at Dominion! I loved that being of service 8 hours a day meant a lot of talking about real things. I was thrilled I received a paycheck for something I loved to do. In addition to the work, the staff was fun and I made some wonderful friends. I had never been happier in my life.
One day in the quiet of my apartment, I began to read some of my old journals, when I read something that blew my mind. 6 years earlier I had been having dreams where there was some discussion about my possible death. Everything was fine in my waking life, and the dreams themselves weren't emotional, just matter of fact. Then I had this dream, recorded August 16, 1987:
"I had a dream the other night about how I didn't want to die because I have so much to live for. I saw me working like in a psychiatric hospital, making friends with the staff and the feelings of comfort and love was there. All the senses seemed to be at work in an effort to convince somebody (I think it was myself or maybe God - something non-identifiable - or it was trying to convince me - there were 2 things there, who was doing the convincing and who was doing the listening is unknown) that to die now and I'd miss out on a very happy life. I must say it was pretty convincing and I woke up feeling refreshed and motivated and happy at the thought of such a nice future."
I shook as I read this knowledge written years before. What knew I was going to be working at this hospital and knew I'd be as happy as I was? And all the things that had happened in the 6 years in-between that dream and working at Dominion, did It know that was all going to happen to0? Did I really have choice in my life? So many questions, but I didn't try to answer them at that moment, I just let myself revel in the awe-inspiring mystery of this Love-Intelligence that was way, way beyond my human concepts.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Practice, Patience and Peace
Doing my 3 spiritual practices began to give me a stable, inner strength I had never known before. I found a TM center, paid for my mantra, took some basic meditation classes and began meditating twenty minutes twice a day. Journaling was always fun and the consistent exercise was helping me physically. Spiritually I was now feeding myself, and with that, I realized my time in ministerial school was at an end. I was there only for spiritual growth, but I had no calling from God to be a minister, so to continue there felt out of integrity with my Soul.
What was next? I had no idea, so I decided to spend a month in the silence. I told all family and friends not to contact me, I didn't work, go to school, watch t.v. or listen to the radio. I read, meditated, walked, journals, read for 30 days.
Just up the street from the TM center was Lake Shrine Temple. I knew nothing about the organization, but the lake was beautiful, surrounded by statues dedicated to each of the world's religions. I went there almost every day to read and contemplate. They had a bookstore with a guru's picture, so I made sure to steer clear of that, as I had heard so many news reports of unethical Hindu gurus.
The first half of the month being in the "silence" was agony. By the second half of the month, however, my mind had slowed down quite a bit and I knew the "Peace that passes all human understanding." Though no clarity about what I was supposed to do with my life came at the end of the 30 days, I was clear that I was supposed to participate in life and not be a hermit. Finding peace away from the active world felt very familiar, and my growth this lifetime was to find that Peace in the midst of worldly activity. This clarity was energizing and freeing, the question of being some sort of hermit was now off-the-table.
The last Wed. of my 30 days, I went to a evening service and the Agape International Center of Truth. I had been there before, but had found the yelling too much, as well as the non-linear style of Rev. Michael a turn-off. Yet I was pulled back there after the month of silence, and as I sat in the sanctuary, eyes closed, mind still, I was in awe both in what Rev. Michael was saying and the inner place from where it was coming. I remember looking around at the people, amazed, all these people were getting the depth of this mysticism. Church was now up-leveled to a whole new stratosphere. I sat in awe and gratitude for the richness my spiritual life was becoming.
What was next? I had no idea, so I decided to spend a month in the silence. I told all family and friends not to contact me, I didn't work, go to school, watch t.v. or listen to the radio. I read, meditated, walked, journals, read for 30 days.
Just up the street from the TM center was Lake Shrine Temple. I knew nothing about the organization, but the lake was beautiful, surrounded by statues dedicated to each of the world's religions. I went there almost every day to read and contemplate. They had a bookstore with a guru's picture, so I made sure to steer clear of that, as I had heard so many news reports of unethical Hindu gurus.
The first half of the month being in the "silence" was agony. By the second half of the month, however, my mind had slowed down quite a bit and I knew the "Peace that passes all human understanding." Though no clarity about what I was supposed to do with my life came at the end of the 30 days, I was clear that I was supposed to participate in life and not be a hermit. Finding peace away from the active world felt very familiar, and my growth this lifetime was to find that Peace in the midst of worldly activity. This clarity was energizing and freeing, the question of being some sort of hermit was now off-the-table.
The last Wed. of my 30 days, I went to a evening service and the Agape International Center of Truth. I had been there before, but had found the yelling too much, as well as the non-linear style of Rev. Michael a turn-off. Yet I was pulled back there after the month of silence, and as I sat in the sanctuary, eyes closed, mind still, I was in awe both in what Rev. Michael was saying and the inner place from where it was coming. I remember looking around at the people, amazed, all these people were getting the depth of this mysticism. Church was now up-leveled to a whole new stratosphere. I sat in awe and gratitude for the richness my spiritual life was becoming.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
My Path To God, And Who I am, Is One And The Same
Just over 2 weeks after making my God First commitment, I was blessed with a stunning revelation while I was reading about Hinduism's four paths to God in Huston Smith's book, The World's Religions. I had always read that the path of jnana yoga was the path of knowledge, and as such, had rejected it as way too intellectual for me. However in his book Smith called it the path of the reflective, which didn't have such a negative connotation for me, so as I read his description with less resistance, I realized I was reading an description of myself. Everything he described was how I had been my whole life, not out of effort but because I couldn't help it. With this realization, I began to shift into another state of consciousness.
I, but now the "I" transcended my body/mind "I", knew that my path to God and who I Am was one and the same thing. With this realization, I was awash in Light, then walls of my apartment dissolved into pure Light and I could see and feel my oneness with a homeless guy that hung out on a street a few blocks away. It was blissful to see and know, for the moment, who I was.
Later that night, I woke up and this Light energy was pouring into my body from above, and my understanding of It was, this Light was Truth. I very much felt the strong intentionality of this Intelligence to accept who I was.
It took me a long time to figure out why the homeless man was part of the experience, it made me nervous at first, was I to be homeless? What finally dawned on me is, I associated reflective type people as disassociated from the pain of the world,one of my judgments of folks on this path. What this vision revealed to me was that in being myself, I was one with the homeless, not separate. As New Thought teacher, Ernest Holmes says ,there is nothing to be healed, only God to be revealed.
As extraordinary and blissful as this experience was, it still has been difficult for me to embrace over the years. Reflection has seemed more like a hobby, not as "real" as the other 3 paths. Karma yoga (path of service), especially is where I have perceived really "good" people live as they are the ones who make a difference because they do. Over and over the Light experience, described above, has been a blessing for me, reminding me that my natural way of being is actually the way I'm supposed to be...amazing.
I, but now the "I" transcended my body/mind "I", knew that my path to God and who I Am was one and the same thing. With this realization, I was awash in Light, then walls of my apartment dissolved into pure Light and I could see and feel my oneness with a homeless guy that hung out on a street a few blocks away. It was blissful to see and know, for the moment, who I was.
Later that night, I woke up and this Light energy was pouring into my body from above, and my understanding of It was, this Light was Truth. I very much felt the strong intentionality of this Intelligence to accept who I was.
It took me a long time to figure out why the homeless man was part of the experience, it made me nervous at first, was I to be homeless? What finally dawned on me is, I associated reflective type people as disassociated from the pain of the world,one of my judgments of folks on this path. What this vision revealed to me was that in being myself, I was one with the homeless, not separate. As New Thought teacher, Ernest Holmes says ,there is nothing to be healed, only God to be revealed.
As extraordinary and blissful as this experience was, it still has been difficult for me to embrace over the years. Reflection has seemed more like a hobby, not as "real" as the other 3 paths. Karma yoga (path of service), especially is where I have perceived really "good" people live as they are the ones who make a difference because they do. Over and over the Light experience, described above, has been a blessing for me, reminding me that my natural way of being is actually the way I'm supposed to be...amazing.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
God First
I joined my 15 classmates for a Christmas potluck to celebrate the end of the fall term. Besides the joyful communion, Rev. Russ had assigned us to write out any spiritual/mystical experiences we had had in our lifetime. Up until that point, not only had I never shared my mystical experiences, I had never thought about them collectively before. I wrote them out, excited and nervous to share them for the first time.
That evening is one of my all-time favorite Christmas celebrations ever! I had never heard other people’s mystical/spiritual experiences before. To sit together, and listen as each person stood and shared their experiences - each so unique and extraordinary - was expansive. The gross physical energy in the room got lighter and lighter, the veil was thin. I shared my experiences in this energy without fear, without any feeling of superiority (spiritual materialism) or inferiority, just in the joy of being in the Light with my friends. For the first time, I wasn’t alone in God, but experiencing this Light with others. It was pure delight!
Then for Christmas, that year, I flew to Boston to be with my oldest brother, his wife and their 2-month-old baby while David went to Mexico for Christmas. I had been floundering all year, and to suddenly be in the midst of my very stable family, continued the healing begun at the Christmas potluck. It wasn’t in the words my family spoke, it was the way they lived their lives day to day, calm, clear, anchored in high ethics and fun. It was a relief. I breathed a little deeper.
The day after Christmas, I walked around Boston, contemplating. I ended up at Old South Church in Copley Square. It was the same denomination of my childhood church (United Church of Christ), and there too, I felt the stability of tradition. I sat in the back pew, I was the only one in the sanctuary, and poured my heart out to Jesus The Christ.
I was powerless to change my life. I cried and cried and cried, I had no idea what to do. Then I just knew. The declaration I made earlier in the year came to me full force, God had to be first in my life every day. I was putting everything before God, and yet God was the reason I wanted to be alive. I breathed. I also knew in my heart, that whatever commitment I made, I made in the name and Spirit of Jesus The Christ, as He was my home, my roots and my anchor in God.
“But Jesus”, I said, “This is too abstract. I want to live for God everyday, but if there’s one thing I now know is, a thought isn’t strong enough for me. I have to anchor it in something I can do, or the idea of God First, just dissipates in the daily grind of life.” I left the church that day with the agreement that I would listen to Jesus The Christ’s guidance over the next week as to how I could anchor my commitment of - God First -every day.
On New Year’s Eve, I was back in L.A., sitting at my dining room table making my commitments. Jesus The Christ had made clear what it was I was to do. I was to meditate (and I didn’t have to worry “how”, just sit silently watching my breath go in and out), journal and exercise every day as my way of saying, “God is first in my life”.
As I wrote my commitments, I released trying to change, or fix anything in my life, I completely surrendered everything. The only thing that mattered was to get those 3 things done everyday, they were more important than my relationships, school, work, my emotions, my tiredness, my thoughts, it didn’t matter - God First. This was going to be the foundation for my new life.
That evening is one of my all-time favorite Christmas celebrations ever! I had never heard other people’s mystical/spiritual experiences before. To sit together, and listen as each person stood and shared their experiences - each so unique and extraordinary - was expansive. The gross physical energy in the room got lighter and lighter, the veil was thin. I shared my experiences in this energy without fear, without any feeling of superiority (spiritual materialism) or inferiority, just in the joy of being in the Light with my friends. For the first time, I wasn’t alone in God, but experiencing this Light with others. It was pure delight!
Then for Christmas, that year, I flew to Boston to be with my oldest brother, his wife and their 2-month-old baby while David went to Mexico for Christmas. I had been floundering all year, and to suddenly be in the midst of my very stable family, continued the healing begun at the Christmas potluck. It wasn’t in the words my family spoke, it was the way they lived their lives day to day, calm, clear, anchored in high ethics and fun. It was a relief. I breathed a little deeper.
The day after Christmas, I walked around Boston, contemplating. I ended up at Old South Church in Copley Square. It was the same denomination of my childhood church (United Church of Christ), and there too, I felt the stability of tradition. I sat in the back pew, I was the only one in the sanctuary, and poured my heart out to Jesus The Christ.
I was powerless to change my life. I cried and cried and cried, I had no idea what to do. Then I just knew. The declaration I made earlier in the year came to me full force, God had to be first in my life every day. I was putting everything before God, and yet God was the reason I wanted to be alive. I breathed. I also knew in my heart, that whatever commitment I made, I made in the name and Spirit of Jesus The Christ, as He was my home, my roots and my anchor in God.
“But Jesus”, I said, “This is too abstract. I want to live for God everyday, but if there’s one thing I now know is, a thought isn’t strong enough for me. I have to anchor it in something I can do, or the idea of God First, just dissipates in the daily grind of life.” I left the church that day with the agreement that I would listen to Jesus The Christ’s guidance over the next week as to how I could anchor my commitment of - God First -every day.
On New Year’s Eve, I was back in L.A., sitting at my dining room table making my commitments. Jesus The Christ had made clear what it was I was to do. I was to meditate (and I didn’t have to worry “how”, just sit silently watching my breath go in and out), journal and exercise every day as my way of saying, “God is first in my life”.
As I wrote my commitments, I released trying to change, or fix anything in my life, I completely surrendered everything. The only thing that mattered was to get those 3 things done everyday, they were more important than my relationships, school, work, my emotions, my tiredness, my thoughts, it didn’t matter - God First. This was going to be the foundation for my new life.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Life's Curriculum
1991 - a year of extraordinary pain and confusion. I entered the Santa Anita ministerial school, not from a calling to be a minister, but I craved spiritual growth and these were the only consistent classes being offered at the church. Who knew that the real curriculum was going to come from life itself?
Feeling lonely, as a single 25 year old in a family environment (L.A.suburbs), I took the first job I could get on the west side of L.A. It was at an ethically questionable telemarketing firm, from which I would have normally walked away, but the charm of the manager kept me. In fact, it wasn't long before David - the manager - and I were in a passionate romance. He was fun, affectionate and charming. I loved being in his company and soon found myself often deciding, at the last minute, not to take the long trips back to go to my ministerial classes, but instead spend the evening with David.
Misery soon became a close companion to the fun. So many wars inside of me welled up at once. I was ashamed and upset I wasn't going to my classes, the whole reason I moved across country. I also had had the vision of becoming a mother, so now I examined this relationship - the first since Paul - as something more than just fun...could I be married to David? The answer within me was no, we were very differently motivated. However, though my mind was saying no, my emotions and body were totally hooked. I couldn't let go of him.
I couldn't understand my behavior. I couldn't understand why I was doing what was "wrong" by not going to class and by not breaking off this relationship that didn't have a future. There were times when rage would explode against David, I hated him with as much passion as I loved him. Then the hate would turn on myself, how much I hated myself because I couldn't make myself act in the way I knew I should. I knew the power of mind, I knew my psychological story from all those years in therapy, and all this knowing couldn't touch this need that was consuming me. I couldn't fix it, control it, change it, no matter what I tried, I just couldn't change myself.
Frustrated, I went hiking in the Foothill mountains one day, to sort out my thoughts. With no other hikers around, I felt free to talk out loud to God and I did. I talked and talked and talked as I climbed up one of the mountain trails until I reached the point of exhaustion. Then on the descent, with my mind completely still from the exhaustion, I heard - coming from the trees - "Write, write, write". It's the only time I have heard this Voice coming externally from me. I was so grateful for this "answer", though I wasn't sure what I was to write. I decided I could write more consistently in my journal. In my past, when my emotions overwhelmed me, I would stop writing in my journal for months, I guess afraid to really see myself. It was time to be willing to be naked - at least to myself- in my writing about the darkness I was in.
I dropped out of ministerial school in the spring, I was too far behind to catch up. The darkness in my heart intensified. After one of my rages late one night, David comforted me as he always did, and went to bed. I remember - and wrote in my journal about- standing at the balcony wondering why I was staying alive. I detested myself, I had no close friends, and though I loved my family, we had very little to do with each other's daily lives. I figured they wouldn't miss me more than a few days. There was no one to stay alive for, least of all myself. Then I became aware of The Powerful Presence of God right there with me and I knew that God wanted me to live. I said, "okay, I have no idea why You want me to live, but I'll stay. The only reason why I'm staying on this planet is because of You and no other reason." From that moment on, I never allowed myself to consider intentional death again. It actually was very helpful to know why I was on the planet as, until I made that declaration, I was never sure.
I had stayed in touch with some of my classmates from ministerial school, and wanted to return to school in the fall. I met with Rev. Russ Williams, the minister of the church and dean of the ministerial school. I told him I just didn't understand why I had stopped coming to classes when I loved what I was learning. The only answers I could come up with were about the weakness of my character, and I was sure he was going to lay into me as well. Instead, his response was of compassionate wisdom, "Harriet" he said,"David is obviously meeting a need you have more than school is. What is that need?"
That totally shocked me. I had been rejecting my dependency on David so much, that it had never occurred to me there was something good in it. I had no immediate answer for Rev. Russ, but over time my answer became clear, "love".
When I was with David, I felt physically and emotionally loved. His constant affection, both verbally and physically, were the balm that my Soul longed for more than anything else. Even at my worst, David did not reject me, but loved me. Classes, even about God, were still classes. David was, in the flesh, love.
With this new revelation, the intensity of the self-hatred lessened, but did not go away. I wanted to change things, me, the situation, my life, but I still had no idea how. Why was my spiritual journey not leading me to fulfillment in God's Love? I was stuck.
Feeling lonely, as a single 25 year old in a family environment (L.A.suburbs), I took the first job I could get on the west side of L.A. It was at an ethically questionable telemarketing firm, from which I would have normally walked away, but the charm of the manager kept me. In fact, it wasn't long before David - the manager - and I were in a passionate romance. He was fun, affectionate and charming. I loved being in his company and soon found myself often deciding, at the last minute, not to take the long trips back to go to my ministerial classes, but instead spend the evening with David.
Misery soon became a close companion to the fun. So many wars inside of me welled up at once. I was ashamed and upset I wasn't going to my classes, the whole reason I moved across country. I also had had the vision of becoming a mother, so now I examined this relationship - the first since Paul - as something more than just fun...could I be married to David? The answer within me was no, we were very differently motivated. However, though my mind was saying no, my emotions and body were totally hooked. I couldn't let go of him.
I couldn't understand my behavior. I couldn't understand why I was doing what was "wrong" by not going to class and by not breaking off this relationship that didn't have a future. There were times when rage would explode against David, I hated him with as much passion as I loved him. Then the hate would turn on myself, how much I hated myself because I couldn't make myself act in the way I knew I should. I knew the power of mind, I knew my psychological story from all those years in therapy, and all this knowing couldn't touch this need that was consuming me. I couldn't fix it, control it, change it, no matter what I tried, I just couldn't change myself.
Frustrated, I went hiking in the Foothill mountains one day, to sort out my thoughts. With no other hikers around, I felt free to talk out loud to God and I did. I talked and talked and talked as I climbed up one of the mountain trails until I reached the point of exhaustion. Then on the descent, with my mind completely still from the exhaustion, I heard - coming from the trees - "Write, write, write". It's the only time I have heard this Voice coming externally from me. I was so grateful for this "answer", though I wasn't sure what I was to write. I decided I could write more consistently in my journal. In my past, when my emotions overwhelmed me, I would stop writing in my journal for months, I guess afraid to really see myself. It was time to be willing to be naked - at least to myself- in my writing about the darkness I was in.
I dropped out of ministerial school in the spring, I was too far behind to catch up. The darkness in my heart intensified. After one of my rages late one night, David comforted me as he always did, and went to bed. I remember - and wrote in my journal about- standing at the balcony wondering why I was staying alive. I detested myself, I had no close friends, and though I loved my family, we had very little to do with each other's daily lives. I figured they wouldn't miss me more than a few days. There was no one to stay alive for, least of all myself. Then I became aware of The Powerful Presence of God right there with me and I knew that God wanted me to live. I said, "okay, I have no idea why You want me to live, but I'll stay. The only reason why I'm staying on this planet is because of You and no other reason." From that moment on, I never allowed myself to consider intentional death again. It actually was very helpful to know why I was on the planet as, until I made that declaration, I was never sure.
I had stayed in touch with some of my classmates from ministerial school, and wanted to return to school in the fall. I met with Rev. Russ Williams, the minister of the church and dean of the ministerial school. I told him I just didn't understand why I had stopped coming to classes when I loved what I was learning. The only answers I could come up with were about the weakness of my character, and I was sure he was going to lay into me as well. Instead, his response was of compassionate wisdom, "Harriet" he said,"David is obviously meeting a need you have more than school is. What is that need?"
That totally shocked me. I had been rejecting my dependency on David so much, that it had never occurred to me there was something good in it. I had no immediate answer for Rev. Russ, but over time my answer became clear, "love".
When I was with David, I felt physically and emotionally loved. His constant affection, both verbally and physically, were the balm that my Soul longed for more than anything else. Even at my worst, David did not reject me, but loved me. Classes, even about God, were still classes. David was, in the flesh, love.
With this new revelation, the intensity of the self-hatred lessened, but did not go away. I wanted to change things, me, the situation, my life, but I still had no idea how. Why was my spiritual journey not leading me to fulfillment in God's Love? I was stuck.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
It's A Baby! I Just Don't Know Who The Daddy Is
While I had been staying at my Dad's house, I did a lot of babysitting. I found I loved playing with kids but was also glad when they returned to their parents at the end of the day. I decided having my own kids was not the way to go, I liked my time alone too much.
A few months later - back in Pasadena, CA - on my 25th birthday, I was looking through an issue of Life magazine. The issue was on the miracle of birth and there were stunning pictures of the fetus at various stages of growth. Totally focused, looking at these pictures, my third eye opened up and I saw myself - it was like watching a movie - in a hospital bed, holding a baby, my baby. I was pure joy! I was aware of a man at my side in the vision, but I could not see him.
There was very much the energy of "it's already done" in the vision. I now knew that one day I would be a mother, not from my will, but as God's Will. With this vision, returned my passionate desire to have a family, and I felt I was ready as soon as I found the right man.
It turns out I did not get pregnant with my sweet, angel boy for another 12 years. There is no time in God, and there is no time in the Visions that are revealed to us.
A few months later - back in Pasadena, CA - on my 25th birthday, I was looking through an issue of Life magazine. The issue was on the miracle of birth and there were stunning pictures of the fetus at various stages of growth. Totally focused, looking at these pictures, my third eye opened up and I saw myself - it was like watching a movie - in a hospital bed, holding a baby, my baby. I was pure joy! I was aware of a man at my side in the vision, but I could not see him.
There was very much the energy of "it's already done" in the vision. I now knew that one day I would be a mother, not from my will, but as God's Will. With this vision, returned my passionate desire to have a family, and I felt I was ready as soon as I found the right man.
It turns out I did not get pregnant with my sweet, angel boy for another 12 years. There is no time in God, and there is no time in the Visions that are revealed to us.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A Life Affirming No and Yes
It was the first week of the second semester and I sat in my acting class taking notes. As I wrote, I suddenly became aware of this energy coming up from my lower chakras, into the crown of my head, releasing an inner scream, saying, "No!" I knew instantly I wasn't supposed to be an actress, that I was on the wrong path, and dropped out of the school by the end of the week.
On the one hand, it was a relief to leave acting school. After reading Power of the Mind, by Adam Smith when I lived in Boston, I used affirmations consistently (3 times a day with emotion) as well as visualization, to get myself into the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. As I had tested almost "off-the-chart" in introversion when I took the Meyers-Briggs test, and had led a fairly reclusive life in Boston, this feat of auditioning and getting accepted into this acting school was a major one.
On the other hand, though I now knew I had the power to create what I wanted, I was had no idea what I wanted. Acting had seemed like it would be fun, a great way to live, but since it wasn't "me" the fun turned out to be only theoretical.
I slept for a month at my Dad's house. I was sad, empty, directionless. Yet, even in this mini-depression, I kept praying, I prayed as I fell asleep, as I woke up, as I'd pondered in bed, I never let go of God. Then one morning, I was sitting on the floor, leaning against my bed, thinking about the Santa Anita Church, and suddenly my third eye opened up and Santa Anita was all Light. Just as instantly knew I wasn't an actress, I knew instantly this was my path and that I needed to study and learn all I could about New Thought at this church.
I drove across country again, back to Pasadena, CA, this time to immerse myself in the life at Santa Anita Church. In retrospect, it seems so obvious, my journals were full of my desire to know and serve God. When I told my therapist in Boston, this new direction I was taking, he said it made sense since I talked about God so much in our sessions. I remember thinking, "I did?" It was always there, but I never saw it. This Light experience put me on a path I had never been off, but could now consciously see and participate in.
On the one hand, it was a relief to leave acting school. After reading Power of the Mind, by Adam Smith when I lived in Boston, I used affirmations consistently (3 times a day with emotion) as well as visualization, to get myself into the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. As I had tested almost "off-the-chart" in introversion when I took the Meyers-Briggs test, and had led a fairly reclusive life in Boston, this feat of auditioning and getting accepted into this acting school was a major one.
On the other hand, though I now knew I had the power to create what I wanted, I was had no idea what I wanted. Acting had seemed like it would be fun, a great way to live, but since it wasn't "me" the fun turned out to be only theoretical.
I slept for a month at my Dad's house. I was sad, empty, directionless. Yet, even in this mini-depression, I kept praying, I prayed as I fell asleep, as I woke up, as I'd pondered in bed, I never let go of God. Then one morning, I was sitting on the floor, leaning against my bed, thinking about the Santa Anita Church, and suddenly my third eye opened up and Santa Anita was all Light. Just as instantly knew I wasn't an actress, I knew instantly this was my path and that I needed to study and learn all I could about New Thought at this church.
I drove across country again, back to Pasadena, CA, this time to immerse myself in the life at Santa Anita Church. In retrospect, it seems so obvious, my journals were full of my desire to know and serve God. When I told my therapist in Boston, this new direction I was taking, he said it made sense since I talked about God so much in our sessions. I remember thinking, "I did?" It was always there, but I never saw it. This Light experience put me on a path I had never been off, but could now consciously see and participate in.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Wow! A Metaphysical Bookstore With a Church Attached
Metaphysical bookstores were one of my favorite places to hang out in Boston. I also went to workshops, saw a psychologist for 4 years, worked in halfway home for juvenile deliquents, majored in psychology and joined the Institute of Noetic Sciences in my quest to discover who I was.
While I was learning about myself psychologically, I still spent a lot of time trying to understand God and the world. One of the questions I was trying to answer was, what did the major worlds religions have in common? Having taken a class on eastern religions, I found it hard to go to "just" a Christian church. I kept thinking that there had to be a Truth that was true in all religions.
After many months of pondering this, I am came to the conclusion that all religions taught Oneness in their own way and the purpose of life was to know our Oneness with God. I wrote out my new philosophy, religion by religion, in great joy.
In 1989 I moved out to Pasadena, CA to go to acting school. I had decided at the end of college I wanted to be an actress without ever actually having done any acting. It appealed to me because unlike college where all the knowledge was to be found in the head, acting included the body, the emotions, and I craved to experience the physicality and emotionality of life. Acting seemed like the perfect choice for a career.
I was home.
While I was learning about myself psychologically, I still spent a lot of time trying to understand God and the world. One of the questions I was trying to answer was, what did the major worlds religions have in common? Having taken a class on eastern religions, I found it hard to go to "just" a Christian church. I kept thinking that there had to be a Truth that was true in all religions.
After many months of pondering this, I am came to the conclusion that all religions taught Oneness in their own way and the purpose of life was to know our Oneness with God. I wrote out my new philosophy, religion by religion, in great joy.
In 1989 I moved out to Pasadena, CA to go to acting school. I had decided at the end of college I wanted to be an actress without ever actually having done any acting. It appealed to me because unlike college where all the knowledge was to be found in the head, acting included the body, the emotions, and I craved to experience the physicality and emotionality of life. Acting seemed like the perfect choice for a career.
While in Pasadena, I found a metaphysical bookstore in the neighboring city of Santa Anita. Upon arriving, I was amazed to discover there was a beautiful church there too!! I couldn't imagine what kind of church would have a metaphysical bookstore as part of it so I eagerly went to a service on Sunday. To my amazement, the core principle of this church was Oneness. "There's a whole church with my philosophy!" - I remember the exact place I was standing when I had this euphoric realization.
In my psychological work I had gotten used to always finding what was wrong with me and what I could do to improve myself. Now, sitting in my first New Thought service at the Santa Anita Church I was hearing that my Real Self, was whole, perfect and complete, that there was nothing wrong with me, nothing I needed to fix, or change. I was loved just as I was. I deeply breathed in the ministers' words and felt relief and joy wash over me. Even in the midst of my human imperfection, I was perfect. And this wasn't true just about me, but all beings, regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation.I was home.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Seeing The Matrix, New Life Is Birthed
Tired and confused I sat on a hill. I decided I was going to sit there until I died of starvation since life no longer made sense to me.
We all identify with some part of our habit patterns, usually our better ones, as our sense of "I". The habit patterns I had cherished as my identity were ones that validated that I was a "good moral" person. My first year away from home obliterated the illusion of "goodness" as I defined it. Yet it wasn't that I had gone against so many of my moral values that threw me into this loss of identity, it was that I didn't feel like I was a bad person because of it. Surely, not being good, made me a bad person, yet I didn't feel bad. I sat on that hill, thinking to myself, "this doesn't make sense, I should be a bad person if I'm not good, but I don't in anyway feel like a bad person. If I'm not good, and not bad, what am I? What I thought was up is down, down is up, right is left, left is right, nothing makes sense."
Lost in the confusion of these mixed-up perspectives, I turned to my left and stared at an object that was familiar, I just couldn't remember what it was. I knew a wise person had once taught me what it was, then it popped into my brain, "oh, that's a tree", then the next thing I knew, I was outside of the earth, looking at it from quite some distance. I was aware of 2 lines coming from me, going to the outer circumference of each side of the earth. Then I saw the people on earth, living their lives with energy boxes around them (though this experience was very geometric, I didn't see eclipses, the way energy fields around the body are usually depicted). The boxes, it was revealed to me, were peoples beliefs and values and they created those boxes themselves. Peoples beliefs and values weren't what was ultimately Real about who they were. Then I became aware of my Mom and her box was all light. Even good values were still boxes, and those boxes of identity weren't Real either, just self-made illusions. I knew that which was witnessing this vision/experience was what was Real. And with that, I was back in my body.
It is one thing to read that in words, another to experience it. The experience was so powerful, that a lifetime of attachment to my identity as being moral being dropped away instantly. I was set free and simultaneously birthed into the next phase of my journey; if our identities - collective and individual - of morals and values weren't what's ultimately Real, what was?
With all births there is a death, in all deaths, there is birth. I am grateful for this delivery into a new and mysterious world.
We all identify with some part of our habit patterns, usually our better ones, as our sense of "I". The habit patterns I had cherished as my identity were ones that validated that I was a "good moral" person. My first year away from home obliterated the illusion of "goodness" as I defined it. Yet it wasn't that I had gone against so many of my moral values that threw me into this loss of identity, it was that I didn't feel like I was a bad person because of it. Surely, not being good, made me a bad person, yet I didn't feel bad. I sat on that hill, thinking to myself, "this doesn't make sense, I should be a bad person if I'm not good, but I don't in anyway feel like a bad person. If I'm not good, and not bad, what am I? What I thought was up is down, down is up, right is left, left is right, nothing makes sense."
Lost in the confusion of these mixed-up perspectives, I turned to my left and stared at an object that was familiar, I just couldn't remember what it was. I knew a wise person had once taught me what it was, then it popped into my brain, "oh, that's a tree", then the next thing I knew, I was outside of the earth, looking at it from quite some distance. I was aware of 2 lines coming from me, going to the outer circumference of each side of the earth. Then I saw the people on earth, living their lives with energy boxes around them (though this experience was very geometric, I didn't see eclipses, the way energy fields around the body are usually depicted). The boxes, it was revealed to me, were peoples beliefs and values and they created those boxes themselves. Peoples beliefs and values weren't what was ultimately Real about who they were. Then I became aware of my Mom and her box was all light. Even good values were still boxes, and those boxes of identity weren't Real either, just self-made illusions. I knew that which was witnessing this vision/experience was what was Real. And with that, I was back in my body.
It is one thing to read that in words, another to experience it. The experience was so powerful, that a lifetime of attachment to my identity as being moral being dropped away instantly. I was set free and simultaneously birthed into the next phase of my journey; if our identities - collective and individual - of morals and values weren't what's ultimately Real, what was?
With all births there is a death, in all deaths, there is birth. I am grateful for this delivery into a new and mysterious world.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Choosing Culture Over God
I got pregnant the summer after my freshman year at Boston University. It wasn't a total surprise since my boyfriend Paul [name changed] and I had often fantasized about getting married and having a family.
All through my time at Shaker Hts. High School, I felt the pressure that everything I did was to get into a good college. I tried to like school, I tried to like learning for the sake of learning, I tried to enjoy participating in school activities, I tried to be a good athlete, but I just couldn't convince myself that any of it mattered. I found myself silently rebelling to the never ending push - as I perceived it - to excel, by not excelling. As long as things didn't matter one way or another - as they had for those 2 years in Chevy Chase, MD - I could participate freely. Once, however, I was actively being pushed to care about goals that were not of my heart, I couldn't give myself with much passion or genuine interest.
I went to Boston University because my best friend was going to be there, because Paul and one of my brothers were at schools in the Boston area. Relationship was why I was there, not desire for academics or working toward a future career.
What I actually wanted was love, not just any love, but God's Love. Only, I had no idea how to "get" that love. I explored various churches over the years but they just felt empty. Talking theology wasn't what I was looking for, what I hungered for was direct contact with God, and no one was even mentioning it as a possibility. So for me, the closest I could come was a boyfriend. I learned from all the romantic movies/TV shows/Hallmark commercials I had seen, that in a romantic relationship it was okay to open one's heart fully, to express love, love and more love.
The challenge with that for me was, I had so many divisions in me, my interior life and exterior life, my intellect and my emotions, that once I started to open up, all these inner battles began to emerge. I still remember the exact place I was the first time I yelled at Paul. I startled myself because up until that time, I had never yelled at anyone in so much anger. I perceived myself only as "sweet and loving", not as someone who got angry and yelled. This very angry young woman was new and a complete stranger.
Then there was the intellect, "This isn't even close to the perfect guy, why am I giving my heart to him", and I'd turn cold and distant. Then I'd get lonely, and see all the good in Paul, and then I'd become loving and kind again, whatever he wanted, to get back into relationship. Hot and cold, every moment was different. I was a mess, topped onto the mess of going to college with no desire to be there other than to fit in with my culture.
The more out of place I felt at college, the more I turned to my relationship with Paul as the only thing that did make sense to me. I remember saying over and over, the only thing I knew I wanted was to be married and have children. I loved being with my family and I wanted to continue to be in a family. College, career, seemed like something I had to do to pass the time until it was "appropriate" to do what I really wanted - get married and have kids.
Thus getting pregnant in the summer of 1985, when I was 19, was not a surprise. At the same time, as soon as I found out, I pictured myself as I had been the last 3 years with (and without) Paul..."how can I be a mother when I'm so lost myself? I'm an emotional mess, how can I take care of a baby?" In that moment, I decided to do what I promised myself I would never do, I decided to get an abortion. Paul was furious that he wasn't even part of the decision making process and very sad, he wanted the baby.
My intellect and reason had taken over again, the coldness returned, I was going to do it because it was the best thing for everyone, period.
The weekend before the abortion, I went with a friend and her family to a beach in the Hamptons. I remember having almost constant morning sickness, I remember watching Boris Becker play in Wimbledon for the first time, and I remember the vision/dream I had while lounging on the beach.
I was staring at a sail boat crossing the ocean in front of me as I drifted off to sleep. We were in a hotel, Paul, our 6 year old, blond-haired boy, and me, getting ready to go somewhere. I was dressing in the bedroom, Paul and our boy were in the bathroom, goofing around in front of the mirror. I'm annoyed, trying to hurry them along. Then I woke up. I remember staring out at the ocean absolutely clear I could and would never get the abortion. This vision/dream was Real, and it showed me that it would work if we had the baby, that Paul and I could do it.
Yet, my intellect and the culture I lived in prevailed. I couldn't even imagine telling my parents I was going to have a baby. I didn't know a single person from high school or college that had a baby, and I had no desire to be the "loser" who dropped out of school to have a baby instead of a college education. I hadn't yet learned to trust the visions given me, so I went back to my "normal" - race-conscious - mind, and went ahead with the abortion, to Paul's devastation.
Later I "decided" (I use this word a lot in my journals when my intellect is in control) that since I was pro-choice, I wasn't going to be ashamed of having an abortion. As I began to share with friends that I had had an abortion, I found out something astounding. Many young women, and young men, had gone through this experience too. Where I thought I was the only one in my world who had gotten pregnant, I found out I was part of a very large club and this made me angry and very sad. What if we had been able to talk about it out loud? What different choices might have been made if I knew I wasn't alone?
Yet even learning that the highest rate of abortions was among women age 18 - 19, I still felt a bit different. I was confidant that all those pregnancies were accidental, and I was ashamed to admit that I had had actually desired to be pregnant.
I had the abortion, I told myself, because I didn't know who I was or what I wanted (this was culturally appropriate reasoning ). I was avoiding "finding myself", my career, by wanting to be married and have a baby. It never once occurred to me that I did know who I was, and I knew exactly what I wanted. I made a devastating decision based on the values that surrounded me, but not from the ones in my heart.
It is also a decision that caused Paul lasting heartache...I broke some major Soul agreements. Having the abortion is a choice for which I still feel pain, regret and sorrow, time hasn't lessened it. It is especially heart-wrenching since I was blessed with such a loving, wise vision from God guiding me to make a different choice. Culture over the Infinite Love-Intelligence of the universe...never a great way to go.
All through my time at Shaker Hts. High School, I felt the pressure that everything I did was to get into a good college. I tried to like school, I tried to like learning for the sake of learning, I tried to enjoy participating in school activities, I tried to be a good athlete, but I just couldn't convince myself that any of it mattered. I found myself silently rebelling to the never ending push - as I perceived it - to excel, by not excelling. As long as things didn't matter one way or another - as they had for those 2 years in Chevy Chase, MD - I could participate freely. Once, however, I was actively being pushed to care about goals that were not of my heart, I couldn't give myself with much passion or genuine interest.
I went to Boston University because my best friend was going to be there, because Paul and one of my brothers were at schools in the Boston area. Relationship was why I was there, not desire for academics or working toward a future career.
What I actually wanted was love, not just any love, but God's Love. Only, I had no idea how to "get" that love. I explored various churches over the years but they just felt empty. Talking theology wasn't what I was looking for, what I hungered for was direct contact with God, and no one was even mentioning it as a possibility. So for me, the closest I could come was a boyfriend. I learned from all the romantic movies/TV shows/Hallmark commercials I had seen, that in a romantic relationship it was okay to open one's heart fully, to express love, love and more love.
The challenge with that for me was, I had so many divisions in me, my interior life and exterior life, my intellect and my emotions, that once I started to open up, all these inner battles began to emerge. I still remember the exact place I was the first time I yelled at Paul. I startled myself because up until that time, I had never yelled at anyone in so much anger. I perceived myself only as "sweet and loving", not as someone who got angry and yelled. This very angry young woman was new and a complete stranger.
Then there was the intellect, "This isn't even close to the perfect guy, why am I giving my heart to him", and I'd turn cold and distant. Then I'd get lonely, and see all the good in Paul, and then I'd become loving and kind again, whatever he wanted, to get back into relationship. Hot and cold, every moment was different. I was a mess, topped onto the mess of going to college with no desire to be there other than to fit in with my culture.
The more out of place I felt at college, the more I turned to my relationship with Paul as the only thing that did make sense to me. I remember saying over and over, the only thing I knew I wanted was to be married and have children. I loved being with my family and I wanted to continue to be in a family. College, career, seemed like something I had to do to pass the time until it was "appropriate" to do what I really wanted - get married and have kids.
Thus getting pregnant in the summer of 1985, when I was 19, was not a surprise. At the same time, as soon as I found out, I pictured myself as I had been the last 3 years with (and without) Paul..."how can I be a mother when I'm so lost myself? I'm an emotional mess, how can I take care of a baby?" In that moment, I decided to do what I promised myself I would never do, I decided to get an abortion. Paul was furious that he wasn't even part of the decision making process and very sad, he wanted the baby.
My intellect and reason had taken over again, the coldness returned, I was going to do it because it was the best thing for everyone, period.
The weekend before the abortion, I went with a friend and her family to a beach in the Hamptons. I remember having almost constant morning sickness, I remember watching Boris Becker play in Wimbledon for the first time, and I remember the vision/dream I had while lounging on the beach.
I was staring at a sail boat crossing the ocean in front of me as I drifted off to sleep. We were in a hotel, Paul, our 6 year old, blond-haired boy, and me, getting ready to go somewhere. I was dressing in the bedroom, Paul and our boy were in the bathroom, goofing around in front of the mirror. I'm annoyed, trying to hurry them along. Then I woke up. I remember staring out at the ocean absolutely clear I could and would never get the abortion. This vision/dream was Real, and it showed me that it would work if we had the baby, that Paul and I could do it.
Yet, my intellect and the culture I lived in prevailed. I couldn't even imagine telling my parents I was going to have a baby. I didn't know a single person from high school or college that had a baby, and I had no desire to be the "loser" who dropped out of school to have a baby instead of a college education. I hadn't yet learned to trust the visions given me, so I went back to my "normal" - race-conscious - mind, and went ahead with the abortion, to Paul's devastation.
Later I "decided" (I use this word a lot in my journals when my intellect is in control) that since I was pro-choice, I wasn't going to be ashamed of having an abortion. As I began to share with friends that I had had an abortion, I found out something astounding. Many young women, and young men, had gone through this experience too. Where I thought I was the only one in my world who had gotten pregnant, I found out I was part of a very large club and this made me angry and very sad. What if we had been able to talk about it out loud? What different choices might have been made if I knew I wasn't alone?
Yet even learning that the highest rate of abortions was among women age 18 - 19, I still felt a bit different. I was confidant that all those pregnancies were accidental, and I was ashamed to admit that I had had actually desired to be pregnant.
I had the abortion, I told myself, because I didn't know who I was or what I wanted (this was culturally appropriate reasoning ). I was avoiding "finding myself", my career, by wanting to be married and have a baby. It never once occurred to me that I did know who I was, and I knew exactly what I wanted. I made a devastating decision based on the values that surrounded me, but not from the ones in my heart.
It is also a decision that caused Paul lasting heartache...I broke some major Soul agreements. Having the abortion is a choice for which I still feel pain, regret and sorrow, time hasn't lessened it. It is especially heart-wrenching since I was blessed with such a loving, wise vision from God guiding me to make a different choice. Culture over the Infinite Love-Intelligence of the universe...never a great way to go.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Out Of My Body
I lay in bed reading Little Women the summer before tenth grade. As I read, I humbly realized that I was more like Beth than the outspoken, tomboyish, main character Jo (Josephine). My false self wanted to be like Jo, but I couldn't deny the similarities between Beth and myself. Beth was happiest when she was home with her family, she didn't have any need for the world outside, and she often was quiet in the middle of the family noise. This is so much how I was, I loved holidays and family vacations where the world outside was temporarily forgotten. Though on holidays, I'd do my part to make them special, I also was completely happy being quiet and letting my brothers and parents do the talking.
About two thirds of the way through this book, Little Women, Beth dies. By this time, I had so completely owned how I was like this character, that her death was devastating to me. I cried and while I cried, I started to think about this name "Harriet". I saw it, the name, floating in front of me, and I didn't know what it was. The next thing I knew, I was on the ceiling, above my bed (interestingly, the place I looked the most when I was prayed/talked to God), looking down at my body. The name Harriet floated over the body, and then the "I "at the ceiling had the thought, "Oh, this is who I am this time" and with that, "I" was right back in my body again, looking through this body's physical eyes.
At the time, I had no context in which to contemplate this experience. I had never heard of "out of body" then, so I just didn't think about it. Years later, Willis Harman, the former president of the Institute of Noetic Sciences wrote in his book, Conscious Creativity, that we can only reflect on ideas that are within our paradigm, our structure of thought. So first we have to widen our structure of thought before we can seriously reflect on experiences that lay outside these limited paradigms.
It wasn't until I was in college, taking an introduction to eastern religions class, writing a paper on Zen Buddhism that my paradigm of reality opened wide enough to recall this experience and be able to reflect on it. I still don't remember having any deep insights around it other than wonder that I had left this body, and this body was clearly temporary. I am still struck that the exact words that "I" thought while on the ceiling are imprinted in me, I have no trouble recalling them. The ones that have really made me ponder are the last two, "this is who I am this time", implying of course, that there were other times.
Reincarnation is a tricky subject, especially since we tend to think linearly about it and I'm not sure it's quite that simplistic. I've had a few more experiences around it but still can't say what I definitively know. I once had a dream/vision where "I" was wandering around when the dinosaurs were here, and this voice telling Itself that I was here during this time. At another time, I had a vision while I was driving across the United States by myself. I was singing Agape chants, listening to Rev. Michael Beckwith sermons, in a great state of consciousness, and I turned to my left to look at the Colorado mountains and this voice in me, yet beyond "me" , said I was here before those mountains were formed. [At the exact same time of this awareness, I knew I'd be working with Rev. Michael Beckwith someday, which made no sense since I was driving back east to permanently settle down. 5 years later, I was back in Los Angeles, on staff at Agape, Rev. Michael's church.].
I also had a dream once where I was the witness along with this same "I Am" voice. I was being shown this woman on a beach, with long black hair, it was really windy and she was screaming in agony. I was told, "this is who you were once". That's it. I have no idea what she was screaming about, though since the dream, I've had the intuitive sense that she had lost her baby in the ocean...but I don't know, nor do I know for what reason this was shown to me.
The I Am was, is and forever shall be. When we let go of our identity with our individual drop of the ocean, and dissolve into the vast ocean of Beingness, we become awake as all the ocean. In other words, we can see all time and space as this I Am when we drop our identity with our limited temporary self. This for me is the effortless explanation of being around when there were dinosaurs, and before the formation of the Rockies. However, there is no question that in that one dream, I was told that I was specifically this woman. And in the out of body experience, it wasn't that I was all people, I was this body, "this time".
Being an individual Soul that reincarnates until it is free - in general, a perspective of Hindus and Buddhists - makes sense to me, but at the same time, my sense this concept is a bit too linear. I resonate with Helen Greaves book, A Testimony of Light, where she talks about group Souls, which makes a lot of sense to me too. Group Souls can have many perspectives, and as an individual I can tap into my group Soul identity, which is me with many perspectives, as well as the all encompassing, Absolute I Am identity.
For me, speculation around reincarnation continues. However, what I do know is, to identify solely with form, with personal history is painfully constricted relative the vast, oceanic, spacious, formlessness of our true Self.
My favorite principle articulated by Ernest Holmes, inspired by Plotinus, is; God, or Spirit, or Life (whatever conceptual word that works for you) is in, through and as all creation, yet never absorbed by it. Who we really are, is in, through and as our bodies, personalities and history, yet never absorbed by it. This is the Truth that sets us free.
About two thirds of the way through this book, Little Women, Beth dies. By this time, I had so completely owned how I was like this character, that her death was devastating to me. I cried and while I cried, I started to think about this name "Harriet". I saw it, the name, floating in front of me, and I didn't know what it was. The next thing I knew, I was on the ceiling, above my bed (interestingly, the place I looked the most when I was prayed/talked to God), looking down at my body. The name Harriet floated over the body, and then the "I "at the ceiling had the thought, "Oh, this is who I am this time" and with that, "I" was right back in my body again, looking through this body's physical eyes.
At the time, I had no context in which to contemplate this experience. I had never heard of "out of body" then, so I just didn't think about it. Years later, Willis Harman, the former president of the Institute of Noetic Sciences wrote in his book, Conscious Creativity, that we can only reflect on ideas that are within our paradigm, our structure of thought. So first we have to widen our structure of thought before we can seriously reflect on experiences that lay outside these limited paradigms.
It wasn't until I was in college, taking an introduction to eastern religions class, writing a paper on Zen Buddhism that my paradigm of reality opened wide enough to recall this experience and be able to reflect on it. I still don't remember having any deep insights around it other than wonder that I had left this body, and this body was clearly temporary. I am still struck that the exact words that "I" thought while on the ceiling are imprinted in me, I have no trouble recalling them. The ones that have really made me ponder are the last two, "this is who I am this time", implying of course, that there were other times.
Reincarnation is a tricky subject, especially since we tend to think linearly about it and I'm not sure it's quite that simplistic. I've had a few more experiences around it but still can't say what I definitively know. I once had a dream/vision where "I" was wandering around when the dinosaurs were here, and this voice telling Itself that I was here during this time. At another time, I had a vision while I was driving across the United States by myself. I was singing Agape chants, listening to Rev. Michael Beckwith sermons, in a great state of consciousness, and I turned to my left to look at the Colorado mountains and this voice in me, yet beyond "me" , said I was here before those mountains were formed. [At the exact same time of this awareness, I knew I'd be working with Rev. Michael Beckwith someday, which made no sense since I was driving back east to permanently settle down. 5 years later, I was back in Los Angeles, on staff at Agape, Rev. Michael's church.].
I also had a dream once where I was the witness along with this same "I Am" voice. I was being shown this woman on a beach, with long black hair, it was really windy and she was screaming in agony. I was told, "this is who you were once". That's it. I have no idea what she was screaming about, though since the dream, I've had the intuitive sense that she had lost her baby in the ocean...but I don't know, nor do I know for what reason this was shown to me.
The I Am was, is and forever shall be. When we let go of our identity with our individual drop of the ocean, and dissolve into the vast ocean of Beingness, we become awake as all the ocean. In other words, we can see all time and space as this I Am when we drop our identity with our limited temporary self. This for me is the effortless explanation of being around when there were dinosaurs, and before the formation of the Rockies. However, there is no question that in that one dream, I was told that I was specifically this woman. And in the out of body experience, it wasn't that I was all people, I was this body, "this time".
Being an individual Soul that reincarnates until it is free - in general, a perspective of Hindus and Buddhists - makes sense to me, but at the same time, my sense this concept is a bit too linear. I resonate with Helen Greaves book, A Testimony of Light, where she talks about group Souls, which makes a lot of sense to me too. Group Souls can have many perspectives, and as an individual I can tap into my group Soul identity, which is me with many perspectives, as well as the all encompassing, Absolute I Am identity.
For me, speculation around reincarnation continues. However, what I do know is, to identify solely with form, with personal history is painfully constricted relative the vast, oceanic, spacious, formlessness of our true Self.
My favorite principle articulated by Ernest Holmes, inspired by Plotinus, is; God, or Spirit, or Life (whatever conceptual word that works for you) is in, through and as all creation, yet never absorbed by it. Who we really are, is in, through and as our bodies, personalities and history, yet never absorbed by it. This is the Truth that sets us free.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
A 2 Year Vacation In The Zone
Our family moved from Shaker Hts., OH to Chevy Chase, MD in-between my 7th and 8th grade year. We knew we were only moving for 2 years, as my Dad was hired temporarily as Chief Tax Council of the Senate Finance Committee.
Realizing that whatever happened during my time in Chevy Chase, it would never really matter because in 2 years I'd probably never see these new people again, I felt the freedom of not caring. Where I had been feeling the overwhelming weight of the purpose, the meaning of life, now suddenly it seemed I had a 2 year vacation...from myself.
Thus when I entered eighth grade at Leland Jr. High School, I decided to join in completely, not hold back, as there was nothing to lose (and nothing to gain), as here there was no future. My Mom suggested I join a school activity to meet people, so I decided to try out for the girl's basketball team. I had never seen a game played before, but I had always loved to shoot baskets in my driveway, so I thought I'd have a chance of making the team.
The night before tryouts, I remember my conversation with God. I lay in my bed, looking up at the ceiling and told God how much I wanted to meet new people, and this seemed like a good way. I prayed for God to help me get on the team and then I wouldn't ask for help any more, the rest was up to me. I talked for quite some time, and The Presence was alive as I can even now remember the feeling of that conversation pouring from the depths of my soul.
I don't remember the tryouts except for one thing. We had to stand at the foul line and shoot 10 balls. I began to shoot, and as I did, I went into the "zone "(though I didn't have that word for it at the time). Without effort or thought, I just shot one after another, and ended up making 8 out 10 foul shots. It was so natural at the time, and only later upon reflection, did I note that I had been in a different state than I normally was when shooting baskets. For me, this was answered prayer and I was so grateful.
As it turned out, my entire 2 years in Chevy Chase felt like it was in the "zone". I definitely was in a different state than the way I normally lived life. I made wonderful friends, I participated in sports and activities fully, played with my family, just had a plain good time for the entire 2 years
It was as if I was being given a gift of what life could look like if I just let go a little bit. I was living as Krishna advised Arjuna to live in the Bhagavad-Gita (a Hindu scripture), he was to give himself fully to the role in life he was given to play, and live it without attachment or resistance. In other words, "let go and let God". This is how I lived, active, alive, participating, fully focused and yet relaxed, without fearing or attaching to anything too much...the same recipe for going into the zone while playing sports actually...and it was total joy. It didn't have to do with perfection, or winning, or being the best, or having all the answers to life's mysteries, it simply required living fully and freely in each and every moment...well simple, but usually not very easy.
Feeling the Presence so powerfully that night I prayed to make the basketball team, I realize the prayer was answered far beyond what I humanly intended. Knock and the door shall be opened, and for that Grace, I am forever grateful.
Realizing that whatever happened during my time in Chevy Chase, it would never really matter because in 2 years I'd probably never see these new people again, I felt the freedom of not caring. Where I had been feeling the overwhelming weight of the purpose, the meaning of life, now suddenly it seemed I had a 2 year vacation...from myself.
Thus when I entered eighth grade at Leland Jr. High School, I decided to join in completely, not hold back, as there was nothing to lose (and nothing to gain), as here there was no future. My Mom suggested I join a school activity to meet people, so I decided to try out for the girl's basketball team. I had never seen a game played before, but I had always loved to shoot baskets in my driveway, so I thought I'd have a chance of making the team.
The night before tryouts, I remember my conversation with God. I lay in my bed, looking up at the ceiling and told God how much I wanted to meet new people, and this seemed like a good way. I prayed for God to help me get on the team and then I wouldn't ask for help any more, the rest was up to me. I talked for quite some time, and The Presence was alive as I can even now remember the feeling of that conversation pouring from the depths of my soul.
I don't remember the tryouts except for one thing. We had to stand at the foul line and shoot 10 balls. I began to shoot, and as I did, I went into the "zone "(though I didn't have that word for it at the time). Without effort or thought, I just shot one after another, and ended up making 8 out 10 foul shots. It was so natural at the time, and only later upon reflection, did I note that I had been in a different state than I normally was when shooting baskets. For me, this was answered prayer and I was so grateful.
As it turned out, my entire 2 years in Chevy Chase felt like it was in the "zone". I definitely was in a different state than the way I normally lived life. I made wonderful friends, I participated in sports and activities fully, played with my family, just had a plain good time for the entire 2 years
It was as if I was being given a gift of what life could look like if I just let go a little bit. I was living as Krishna advised Arjuna to live in the Bhagavad-Gita (a Hindu scripture), he was to give himself fully to the role in life he was given to play, and live it without attachment or resistance. In other words, "let go and let God". This is how I lived, active, alive, participating, fully focused and yet relaxed, without fearing or attaching to anything too much...the same recipe for going into the zone while playing sports actually...and it was total joy. It didn't have to do with perfection, or winning, or being the best, or having all the answers to life's mysteries, it simply required living fully and freely in each and every moment...well simple, but usually not very easy.
Feeling the Presence so powerfully that night I prayed to make the basketball team, I realize the prayer was answered far beyond what I humanly intended. Knock and the door shall be opened, and for that Grace, I am forever grateful.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Can Heaven Really Co-Exist With Hell?
Walter Cronkite, then Peter Jennings, then Robert MacNeil and Jim Lehrer, these were the anchors that reported news during our dinner hour most evenings of my youth. My Dad cared and thought deeply about national and world news, so dinner began with saying grace, then watching the news while we ate. By desert, the news would be over and often my family would be in passionate discussion about some aspect of it. Just as often, I would push my plate away when I was done, lay my head down in my arms, and fall sound asleep.
One of my propensities was to be more emotionally driven than intellectually driven. I didn’t listen to the news the same way as my family did, they listened with minds attuned to what the best ideas were and how to apply ideals to the practical. For me, the news was an emotional event, not something I was able to intellectually engage in as my emotions would completely take me over. What I felt night after night after night was the pain, the suffering, the constant conflict that was the way of life of so many on this planet. Falling asleep was one of the ways I coped.
Once I started developing into rational thinking myself, I began to ask myself what I could do to make this pain stop. I thought of Jesus, the most loving human being that had ever lived, I could never love more than Him and, “Look”, I thought, “Jesus didn’t even make a dent.” Mother Teresa was alive at the time, giving her whole life to serve to the poor, she wasn’t making a dent in the nightly news either, it was hopeless. No matter how "good" I was, it wasn't going to make a difference.
Around this time, my oldest brother was beginning the college application process, so there was much discussion about futures. I began to contemplate this as a way to live, since saving the world was obviously impossible. I imagined going to a good college, having a good career, wonderful husband and children, being a grandparent, retirement, death. "So I touch a few lives, those people will die too. We come, we live and die, and everyone we know does too, but the pain, the suffering, it stays." Even Jesus hadn’t changed that and the world news every night confirmed that for me, over and over again.
There was the hope of evolution, life had gotten better right? I remember my Mom telling me a story of how poorly handicap people were treated when she was a girl and how much better it had gotten for them now. So I could see that life had evolved, and yet, what I saw, felt, every night on the news, were not signs that life was better now than a hundred years ago, but still deeply conflicted with no real hope of the pain ever going away.
Once I landed on this awareness, it became the defining energy for the rest of my youth. I continued to function outwardly, school, activities, friends, but never did any of it make any real sense to me, and my heart was never fully engaged. I just never believed in the ideals, the values, the world put before me, but I also had nothing, absolutely nothing, to replace them with, so I followed the “rules” of life, but only half-heartedly.
I didn’t mull a lot over my lack of belief in the world, since I also felt there was no answer to this problem, there was no reason to ponder it. Jesus kept arising as my example, if He couldn’t heal the pain of the world, I wasn’t going to be able to either, so trying to fit into it, be successful at this world, was all I could do. And from that place, I lived my life, outwardly cheerful, inwardly constantly working in my head how I could care more about academics, sports, friends, trying to “fix” myself to be more successful outwardly. Underneath those motoring thoughts, was the real heartfelt belief, none of this mattered, I didn’t matter, and in this awareness, there was utter aloneness.
With all this conflict happening within me, I found my comfort zone was living on the edge of life, rather in the middle of it. Without conviction, I couldn't enter fully into school, activities, friends and even family, thus I showed up with the bare minimum needed, hopefully well enough not to call attention to myself, but not enough to ever be excellent either. I wanted to see and feel about the world the way most people did, it would've been much more fun, but the unanswered questions gnawed at my heart.
How do we live in Heaven consciousness when every day, every hour, every minute, even now, there are children being raped, tortured, beaten, sold in slavery, dying of starvation? And not only children, but adults, animals and the earthy itself? How do we live knowing that if we do everything we possibly can to heal the world of it's pain, we will barely make a dent, that the tortuous suffering will continue in some form, no matter what we do? How?
One of my propensities was to be more emotionally driven than intellectually driven. I didn’t listen to the news the same way as my family did, they listened with minds attuned to what the best ideas were and how to apply ideals to the practical. For me, the news was an emotional event, not something I was able to intellectually engage in as my emotions would completely take me over. What I felt night after night after night was the pain, the suffering, the constant conflict that was the way of life of so many on this planet. Falling asleep was one of the ways I coped.
Once I started developing into rational thinking myself, I began to ask myself what I could do to make this pain stop. I thought of Jesus, the most loving human being that had ever lived, I could never love more than Him and, “Look”, I thought, “Jesus didn’t even make a dent.” Mother Teresa was alive at the time, giving her whole life to serve to the poor, she wasn’t making a dent in the nightly news either, it was hopeless. No matter how "good" I was, it wasn't going to make a difference.
Around this time, my oldest brother was beginning the college application process, so there was much discussion about futures. I began to contemplate this as a way to live, since saving the world was obviously impossible. I imagined going to a good college, having a good career, wonderful husband and children, being a grandparent, retirement, death. "So I touch a few lives, those people will die too. We come, we live and die, and everyone we know does too, but the pain, the suffering, it stays." Even Jesus hadn’t changed that and the world news every night confirmed that for me, over and over again.
There was the hope of evolution, life had gotten better right? I remember my Mom telling me a story of how poorly handicap people were treated when she was a girl and how much better it had gotten for them now. So I could see that life had evolved, and yet, what I saw, felt, every night on the news, were not signs that life was better now than a hundred years ago, but still deeply conflicted with no real hope of the pain ever going away.
Once I landed on this awareness, it became the defining energy for the rest of my youth. I continued to function outwardly, school, activities, friends, but never did any of it make any real sense to me, and my heart was never fully engaged. I just never believed in the ideals, the values, the world put before me, but I also had nothing, absolutely nothing, to replace them with, so I followed the “rules” of life, but only half-heartedly.
I didn’t mull a lot over my lack of belief in the world, since I also felt there was no answer to this problem, there was no reason to ponder it. Jesus kept arising as my example, if He couldn’t heal the pain of the world, I wasn’t going to be able to either, so trying to fit into it, be successful at this world, was all I could do. And from that place, I lived my life, outwardly cheerful, inwardly constantly working in my head how I could care more about academics, sports, friends, trying to “fix” myself to be more successful outwardly. Underneath those motoring thoughts, was the real heartfelt belief, none of this mattered, I didn’t matter, and in this awareness, there was utter aloneness.
With all this conflict happening within me, I found my comfort zone was living on the edge of life, rather in the middle of it. Without conviction, I couldn't enter fully into school, activities, friends and even family, thus I showed up with the bare minimum needed, hopefully well enough not to call attention to myself, but not enough to ever be excellent either. I wanted to see and feel about the world the way most people did, it would've been much more fun, but the unanswered questions gnawed at my heart.
How do we live in Heaven consciousness when every day, every hour, every minute, even now, there are children being raped, tortured, beaten, sold in slavery, dying of starvation? And not only children, but adults, animals and the earthy itself? How do we live knowing that if we do everything we possibly can to heal the world of it's pain, we will barely make a dent, that the tortuous suffering will continue in some form, no matter what we do? How?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Is God Real?
Sprawled out on the 2 steps that separated our living room from the front hallway, one of my brothers and a neighborhood friend discussed the existence of God. Though I can’t remember the specifics from conversations a week ago, the points my brother made this day, over 30 years ago, lodged deep into my psyche.
My brother was in junior high school (I was in elementary school) and was right on track developmentally. He was evolving into the rational stage of development. From this place, he argued his significant doubt in the existence of God, and postulated even if God did exist, why it shouldn’t matter to how we live. Our neighborhood friend was younger and was Catholic. He argued for the existence of God. Interestingly, I don’t remember a thing he said.
The 3 main arguments my brother made were:
1. Before science, God was used to explain so many of the mysteries of the universe, then science came along and explained them rationally. Where plagues were seen as God’s punishment of a people, science learned it was, in fact, germs and bacteria that spread plagues, not bad behavior. Science took the superstition out of life, it empowered us. For those mysteries that still exist, science simply hasn’t found the answer yet, but they will, and using God as the answer was ignorance and superstition.
2. The people who believed in God were the weak people of the world. They needed a crutch because they didn’t have the strength to handle life. Those who knew their intelligence and power didn’t need a God to lean on; they created their own destiny.
3. Even if there was a God, what mattered most how we lived our life, not whether we spent our time praying and worshipping God. If, at the end of our life, we had helped make the world a better place, but never prayed or thought of God, this was what matter more than if we led a life focused not on changing the world, but in praying and worshipping God every day. If, he argued, he was judged badly at the end of his life for not praying to God, rather than the good he had done, then this isn’t a God he’d want to pray to anyway.
I found these arguments very disturbing because they actually made sense. The one that worried me the most was the second, as I did feel very weak in life, compared to my brothers, and I worried that my love of God was only because I was weak and needed a crutch.
Upset by what my brother was saying, I ran out into the kitchen to tell my Mom that he was arguing that there might not be a God and she had to go tell him to stop. My Mom looked down at me and said, “Well maybe he’s right, maybe there isn’t, how do you know?” I was shocked. I thought I had only cared more about God than my family, but to suddenly realize that they doubted God’s existence at all was terrifying. I was suddenly alone in my belief, which shook me, especially because I loved and looked up to my family's strength and intelligence so much (I am the youngest of of 4 children and the only girl). Developmentally I was still at the mythic stage, and I no longer had the illusionary comfort of conformity among my primary group, my family.
Later on, I heard my Mom also talk about the irrelevance of praying to God, repeating my brother's third point. I still am not sure who actually came up with that theory, but I felt its influence in my life. The interior life did not matter, relationship with God did not matter, what mattered was the result in the exterior, the bottom line, did I improve life? Being of a more contemplative and devotional nature, this emphasis on doing, on external activity left me feeling a heightened sense of "not enoughness". I also found confusing my Mom’s requirement that we go to church every Sunday - a liberal, rational church yes (The United Church of Christ) - but church nonetheless. At church, however, the same values of service, changing the world were held, and the interior life went largely unnoticed, so I guess it wasn't really all that strange.
Though my brother's arguments upset me, in my heart I knew there was a God because of my mystical experience, and I knew that my brain had not made up that experience. I also knew I’d never be smart enough to intellectually prove to him, my Mom, or anyone else, that God was Real, beyond anything human, beyond synapses firing off in our brains. Thus, my life in God went even more underground than before.
After this day of witnessing the argument over God's existence, there was the added twist that my intellect now doubted what my heart knew. My brother's points haunted my mind, thus the split between my interior and exterior life now included a split between my heart and mind. My mind was not at all certain it trusted my heart, and thus I lived externally from my mind and ego, but interiorly, I still prayed, talked and loved God as much as ever, this is where I felt genuinely “me”.
The great gift that my brother gave me was he forced me to evolve my spirituality. With my naturally religious bent, if I had been raised in a religious family, my beliefs wouldn’t have been challenged as they were now…why was God relevant to living a good life? Could I be strong and still desire God in my life? Was God just a cop out from living in the mysteries of life? These questions pushed me into a life of inquiry, questions and doubts, that have made my spiritual life so much richer, deeper and wiser than had I never been provoked. These 3 questions, and many more, will be returned to as this blog continues to chronicle my spiritual evolution.
God’s gifts are not always easy, but when we stick with them, they reveal the pearls of great price.
My brother was in junior high school (I was in elementary school) and was right on track developmentally. He was evolving into the rational stage of development. From this place, he argued his significant doubt in the existence of God, and postulated even if God did exist, why it shouldn’t matter to how we live. Our neighborhood friend was younger and was Catholic. He argued for the existence of God. Interestingly, I don’t remember a thing he said.
The 3 main arguments my brother made were:
1. Before science, God was used to explain so many of the mysteries of the universe, then science came along and explained them rationally. Where plagues were seen as God’s punishment of a people, science learned it was, in fact, germs and bacteria that spread plagues, not bad behavior. Science took the superstition out of life, it empowered us. For those mysteries that still exist, science simply hasn’t found the answer yet, but they will, and using God as the answer was ignorance and superstition.
2. The people who believed in God were the weak people of the world. They needed a crutch because they didn’t have the strength to handle life. Those who knew their intelligence and power didn’t need a God to lean on; they created their own destiny.
3. Even if there was a God, what mattered most how we lived our life, not whether we spent our time praying and worshipping God. If, at the end of our life, we had helped make the world a better place, but never prayed or thought of God, this was what matter more than if we led a life focused not on changing the world, but in praying and worshipping God every day. If, he argued, he was judged badly at the end of his life for not praying to God, rather than the good he had done, then this isn’t a God he’d want to pray to anyway.
I found these arguments very disturbing because they actually made sense. The one that worried me the most was the second, as I did feel very weak in life, compared to my brothers, and I worried that my love of God was only because I was weak and needed a crutch.
Upset by what my brother was saying, I ran out into the kitchen to tell my Mom that he was arguing that there might not be a God and she had to go tell him to stop. My Mom looked down at me and said, “Well maybe he’s right, maybe there isn’t, how do you know?” I was shocked. I thought I had only cared more about God than my family, but to suddenly realize that they doubted God’s existence at all was terrifying. I was suddenly alone in my belief, which shook me, especially because I loved and looked up to my family's strength and intelligence so much (I am the youngest of of 4 children and the only girl). Developmentally I was still at the mythic stage, and I no longer had the illusionary comfort of conformity among my primary group, my family.
Later on, I heard my Mom also talk about the irrelevance of praying to God, repeating my brother's third point. I still am not sure who actually came up with that theory, but I felt its influence in my life. The interior life did not matter, relationship with God did not matter, what mattered was the result in the exterior, the bottom line, did I improve life? Being of a more contemplative and devotional nature, this emphasis on doing, on external activity left me feeling a heightened sense of "not enoughness". I also found confusing my Mom’s requirement that we go to church every Sunday - a liberal, rational church yes (The United Church of Christ) - but church nonetheless. At church, however, the same values of service, changing the world were held, and the interior life went largely unnoticed, so I guess it wasn't really all that strange.
Though my brother's arguments upset me, in my heart I knew there was a God because of my mystical experience, and I knew that my brain had not made up that experience. I also knew I’d never be smart enough to intellectually prove to him, my Mom, or anyone else, that God was Real, beyond anything human, beyond synapses firing off in our brains. Thus, my life in God went even more underground than before.
After this day of witnessing the argument over God's existence, there was the added twist that my intellect now doubted what my heart knew. My brother's points haunted my mind, thus the split between my interior and exterior life now included a split between my heart and mind. My mind was not at all certain it trusted my heart, and thus I lived externally from my mind and ego, but interiorly, I still prayed, talked and loved God as much as ever, this is where I felt genuinely “me”.
The great gift that my brother gave me was he forced me to evolve my spirituality. With my naturally religious bent, if I had been raised in a religious family, my beliefs wouldn’t have been challenged as they were now…why was God relevant to living a good life? Could I be strong and still desire God in my life? Was God just a cop out from living in the mysteries of life? These questions pushed me into a life of inquiry, questions and doubts, that have made my spiritual life so much richer, deeper and wiser than had I never been provoked. These 3 questions, and many more, will be returned to as this blog continues to chronicle my spiritual evolution.
God’s gifts are not always easy, but when we stick with them, they reveal the pearls of great price.
Monday, February 8, 2010
What's Love Got To Do With It?
It soon became apparent that what I learned about in Sunday School didn't seem to have much connection with what I learned in regular school or how my family, friends and I talked. God or Love were rarely mentioned. While I was inspired to be Love as a child, there was very little guidance or dialogue about what this actually meant in every day life.
Early in my elementary school life, my Mom taught me about "clicks". She pointed out how a group of children tend to be the popular kids and that so many of the other children want to be part of, or accepted by that popular group of children. Often, she pointed out, that the click could be mean or dismissive to those not in their group.
Though in our culture we typically think these popular groups begins in middle school and adolescence, in fact, they usually begin in elementary school. It's not as devastating in elementary school because children are not at the developmental stage yet where friends are their main focus.
Still, after my Mom pointed out this dynamic, I saw immediately in my class who the "in" people were, who the folks were who wanted to be in the"in" group (though often not consciously aware of it like they will be once they reach middle school) and who the folks were who just didn't care. Once I saw the dynamic, I felt nothing but harsh and judgmental criticism of the "in" group. Energetically I felt I should resist their power in our class, and so I built an inner wall of resistance and judgment against the "bad", "in" group.
By the way, my Mom pointed out the very common sense reason why "in" groups happen in elementary school. Some children develop socially faster than others, and since they are more advanced, they tend to find one another and be "in". Cruelty is not the reason these clicks were created, but genetics. [I think this is a big part of these groups initially, but doesn't explain the behavior later in middle school, where developmentally, rational thinking begins to emerge.]
For me, in elementary school however, the conflict went a little deeper. Though I felt I should for justice sake, stand for the "outsiders", at night time I was contrite. I'd be in bed talking to God, (I never was taught about praying on ones knees by the bedside, for which I'm grateful) about Jesus and His Love. I knew Jesus loved everybody, and there was never a reason not to love someone. I knew my judgment and harsh feelings towards the "in" crowd was wrong, yet I felt that often their behavior to those not in the "in" crowd was mean and unkind. I'd ask for forgiveness for all my judgmentalness, then I'd go to school the next morning, and continue judging, fighting inwardly their magnetic pull, and resenting even more their power. I don't ever remember even thinking about being unconditionally loving during the daytime, only at night time, safe and secure with my loving God did I remember I was supposed to love everyone.
Unconditionally Loving...seemed so sweet, so wonderful, the only way to live, yet even at such a young "innocent" stage, I found it so difficult. I also felt I had no one to talk with about this struggle. No one ever mentioned Love except at church. My family was not emotionally, religiously or spiritually oriented. God and Love were never the topics at the dinner table.
At school Love was never discussed or taught as a value. Sunday school teachers taught Christian values, but they themselves didn't feel at all accessible. Truthfully, I didn't think even they got it.
I was confused. Jesus was put on a pedestal on the one hand, yet nowhere did I feel safe enough to talk about the foundation of His teaching, Love. The message I got from this over the years was that in "real" life, God, Love was almost totally irrelevant. Thus, a split became solidified in my life. There was the outer life, family, school, activities and then there was this inner life, God, Jesus, Love that was more real to me than any of the outer world, but had no place in it. This split continued most of my life until I became a minister, where publicly I began to live what I had been living inwardly since childhood. Even now though, the split is still there, though more subtly. This is the primary reason for this blog, to be even more public about my interior world, so the separation is healed and the inner is the outer, and the outer is the inner.
Often we are guided in our spiritual life to keep our revelations secret, sacred and silent until they have time to gestate and grow strong enough that they won't be shut down by others ignorance, criticisms or judgments. These years of the split within me gave me the gift to continue to grow spiritually inwardly, explore, learn, question, doubt, struggle in the safety of God's Unconditional Love, and through that, develop a powerful inner core that lives spontaneously and freely in my heart.
Jesus said to lay our treasures in heaven where neither dust nor moth can corrupt. This is what my childhood gave me, it wasn't easy, in fact often extremely painful, and yet the treasure it has given me is beyond anything, anything humanly describable. For this, I am forever and ever grateful!
Early in my elementary school life, my Mom taught me about "clicks". She pointed out how a group of children tend to be the popular kids and that so many of the other children want to be part of, or accepted by that popular group of children. Often, she pointed out, that the click could be mean or dismissive to those not in their group.
Though in our culture we typically think these popular groups begins in middle school and adolescence, in fact, they usually begin in elementary school. It's not as devastating in elementary school because children are not at the developmental stage yet where friends are their main focus.
Still, after my Mom pointed out this dynamic, I saw immediately in my class who the "in" people were, who the folks were who wanted to be in the"in" group (though often not consciously aware of it like they will be once they reach middle school) and who the folks were who just didn't care. Once I saw the dynamic, I felt nothing but harsh and judgmental criticism of the "in" group. Energetically I felt I should resist their power in our class, and so I built an inner wall of resistance and judgment against the "bad", "in" group.
By the way, my Mom pointed out the very common sense reason why "in" groups happen in elementary school. Some children develop socially faster than others, and since they are more advanced, they tend to find one another and be "in". Cruelty is not the reason these clicks were created, but genetics. [I think this is a big part of these groups initially, but doesn't explain the behavior later in middle school, where developmentally, rational thinking begins to emerge.]
For me, in elementary school however, the conflict went a little deeper. Though I felt I should for justice sake, stand for the "outsiders", at night time I was contrite. I'd be in bed talking to God, (I never was taught about praying on ones knees by the bedside, for which I'm grateful) about Jesus and His Love. I knew Jesus loved everybody, and there was never a reason not to love someone. I knew my judgment and harsh feelings towards the "in" crowd was wrong, yet I felt that often their behavior to those not in the "in" crowd was mean and unkind. I'd ask for forgiveness for all my judgmentalness, then I'd go to school the next morning, and continue judging, fighting inwardly their magnetic pull, and resenting even more their power. I don't ever remember even thinking about being unconditionally loving during the daytime, only at night time, safe and secure with my loving God did I remember I was supposed to love everyone.
Unconditionally Loving...seemed so sweet, so wonderful, the only way to live, yet even at such a young "innocent" stage, I found it so difficult. I also felt I had no one to talk with about this struggle. No one ever mentioned Love except at church. My family was not emotionally, religiously or spiritually oriented. God and Love were never the topics at the dinner table.
At school Love was never discussed or taught as a value. Sunday school teachers taught Christian values, but they themselves didn't feel at all accessible. Truthfully, I didn't think even they got it.
I was confused. Jesus was put on a pedestal on the one hand, yet nowhere did I feel safe enough to talk about the foundation of His teaching, Love. The message I got from this over the years was that in "real" life, God, Love was almost totally irrelevant. Thus, a split became solidified in my life. There was the outer life, family, school, activities and then there was this inner life, God, Jesus, Love that was more real to me than any of the outer world, but had no place in it. This split continued most of my life until I became a minister, where publicly I began to live what I had been living inwardly since childhood. Even now though, the split is still there, though more subtly. This is the primary reason for this blog, to be even more public about my interior world, so the separation is healed and the inner is the outer, and the outer is the inner.
Often we are guided in our spiritual life to keep our revelations secret, sacred and silent until they have time to gestate and grow strong enough that they won't be shut down by others ignorance, criticisms or judgments. These years of the split within me gave me the gift to continue to grow spiritually inwardly, explore, learn, question, doubt, struggle in the safety of God's Unconditional Love, and through that, develop a powerful inner core that lives spontaneously and freely in my heart.
Jesus said to lay our treasures in heaven where neither dust nor moth can corrupt. This is what my childhood gave me, it wasn't easy, in fact often extremely painful, and yet the treasure it has given me is beyond anything, anything humanly describable. For this, I am forever and ever grateful!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
How I Got To Be The Way I Am...Maybe.
I believe we are born into this world not as blank slates, but with a mass of habit patterns already in place. Where these habit patterns come from, genetics or past lives, is a question I can't really answer though I do have my suspicions. I suspect our propensities are caused both by past lives and genetics, and I even believe genetics are determined by these propensities. I do distinguish between belief and knowing, and this most certainly is my belief, thus, I remain open to other possibilities.
For me, I was born happy and timid. I was not an extrovert, but an introvert, happier at home with family than out in the noisy, chaotic and extremely confusing world. Perhaps it was because of this tendency that I was naturally drawn to anything religious. However, I believe my interest in the religious also was a prediliction with which I was born. I feel as though I actually haven't had much choice in who I am, that it was something I was born to be, and thus each circumstance related to that purpose took on greater value and significance in my life.
For example, I went to a Jewish montessori school for 3 years, 2 years of nursery school and 1 year of kindergarten. By far, what I remember most of those 3 years was having Shabbat every Friday, learning Hebrew and the various celebrations of Jewish holidays. I also have a memory of standing in front of the mirror while I was in the classroom, watching my mouth as I sang the "glorias" of Angels We Have Heard on High. Though I have vague memories of some of the "works" of montessori, and spent significantly more time on them then standing in front of the mirror singing, or the once a week Shabbat, it is the religious where I feel the strongest and fondest memories.
So much of what we teach in the individuation process is that we are not victims, we have choice, we have power to change our life and yet so much of my experience seems to be fueled by something much greater than my individual will. What about you? Has your individual will created the life you now have? Do you feel the influence of something greater than your individual self in creating who you are and how you show up in the world? Is it genetics and enviornment, or is there something else in the mix?
I find in asking these questions of ourselves, it helps to hang out in the paradox of both/and rather then either/or. If God is All, there must be some truth in all perspectives, yes?
For me, I was born happy and timid. I was not an extrovert, but an introvert, happier at home with family than out in the noisy, chaotic and extremely confusing world. Perhaps it was because of this tendency that I was naturally drawn to anything religious. However, I believe my interest in the religious also was a prediliction with which I was born. I feel as though I actually haven't had much choice in who I am, that it was something I was born to be, and thus each circumstance related to that purpose took on greater value and significance in my life.
For example, I went to a Jewish montessori school for 3 years, 2 years of nursery school and 1 year of kindergarten. By far, what I remember most of those 3 years was having Shabbat every Friday, learning Hebrew and the various celebrations of Jewish holidays. I also have a memory of standing in front of the mirror while I was in the classroom, watching my mouth as I sang the "glorias" of Angels We Have Heard on High. Though I have vague memories of some of the "works" of montessori, and spent significantly more time on them then standing in front of the mirror singing, or the once a week Shabbat, it is the religious where I feel the strongest and fondest memories.
So much of what we teach in the individuation process is that we are not victims, we have choice, we have power to change our life and yet so much of my experience seems to be fueled by something much greater than my individual will. What about you? Has your individual will created the life you now have? Do you feel the influence of something greater than your individual self in creating who you are and how you show up in the world? Is it genetics and enviornment, or is there something else in the mix?
I find in asking these questions of ourselves, it helps to hang out in the paradox of both/and rather then either/or. If God is All, there must be some truth in all perspectives, yes?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Love Is The Answer
It was during the Christmas season that my journey with my Beloved, Jesus The Christ, became the most important thing in my life. I loved the stories of Jesus I learned in church, mostly that He loved everyone and everything, and did not judge anyone. My Mom raised me to believe that Jesus was the greatest human being that ever lived, though she was unsure about all the miracles and other -worldly stuff. I am so grateful for this as it allowed Jesus to be a hero for me, someone I could aspire to be like, as he was human just like me.
It is in this context that, during a Christmas season when I was in elementary school, I turned off all the lights in the downstairs area of our house (except in the kitchen where my Mom was making dinner). I turned on the Christmas tree lights and the one orange electric candle that stood on our upright piano. I put a Christmas album on my Dad's phonograph and I danced around the living room to the holy songs praising Baby Jesus. When Away in the Manger started playing, I pretended the manger with Jesus was right there in the middle of the living room and I danced around it. As I danced, I loved with my whole heart and being this Baby Jesus, and I also felt and received, His vast, unconditional love for me...I stopped dancing and just stood there loving and being loved...and suddenly, this place where I had been imagining Baby Jesus became full of Light. This Light raised up and moved toward me, though it had no personification, it was simply Love. And this Love merged with me, and I was It and It was me and all of life. It encompassed everything. I am aware of my Mom in the kitchen being in the Light too, there were no walls, and the Light was far beyond anything I could "see".
This Love was beyond, beyond, beyond any love I thought I had known before this. I loved and adored my family, and yet I was struck by how small this love was compared to God's Love. I don't know how long the experience was, maybe just for a moment, maybe longer. I just know from that moment on, my life was God's. I didn't know what that meant, but I knew everything paled in comparison to that Love, and that my life was committed to It, through Jesus The Christ, forever. Baby Jesus in a manger, not even the man who became a Master Teacher, but a baby, innocent, no -thing added, simple, pure I Am Love - from which all life is birthed and which all life returns - this is the Truth about life for me, the Truth I have aspired my whole life, to Be.
It is in this context that, during a Christmas season when I was in elementary school, I turned off all the lights in the downstairs area of our house (except in the kitchen where my Mom was making dinner). I turned on the Christmas tree lights and the one orange electric candle that stood on our upright piano. I put a Christmas album on my Dad's phonograph and I danced around the living room to the holy songs praising Baby Jesus. When Away in the Manger started playing, I pretended the manger with Jesus was right there in the middle of the living room and I danced around it. As I danced, I loved with my whole heart and being this Baby Jesus, and I also felt and received, His vast, unconditional love for me...I stopped dancing and just stood there loving and being loved...and suddenly, this place where I had been imagining Baby Jesus became full of Light. This Light raised up and moved toward me, though it had no personification, it was simply Love. And this Love merged with me, and I was It and It was me and all of life. It encompassed everything. I am aware of my Mom in the kitchen being in the Light too, there were no walls, and the Light was far beyond anything I could "see".
This Love was beyond, beyond, beyond any love I thought I had known before this. I loved and adored my family, and yet I was struck by how small this love was compared to God's Love. I don't know how long the experience was, maybe just for a moment, maybe longer. I just know from that moment on, my life was God's. I didn't know what that meant, but I knew everything paled in comparison to that Love, and that my life was committed to It, through Jesus The Christ, forever. Baby Jesus in a manger, not even the man who became a Master Teacher, but a baby, innocent, no -thing added, simple, pure I Am Love - from which all life is birthed and which all life returns - this is the Truth about life for me, the Truth I have aspired my whole life, to Be.
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