Life's Curriculum

1991 - a year of extraordinary pain and confusion. I entered the Santa Anita ministerial school, not from a calling to be a minister, but I craved spiritual growth and these were the only consistent classes being offered at the church. Who knew that the real curriculum was going to come from life itself?

Feeling lonely, as a single 25 year old in a family environment (L.A.suburbs), I took the first job I could get on the west side of L.A. It was at an ethically questionable telemarketing firm, from which I would have normally walked away, but the charm of the manager kept me. In fact, it wasn't long before David - the manager - and I were in a passionate romance. He was fun, affectionate and charming. I loved being in his company and soon found myself often deciding, at the last minute, not to take the long trips back to go to my ministerial classes, but instead spend the evening with David.

Misery soon became a close companion to the fun. So many wars inside of me welled up at once. I was ashamed and upset I wasn't going to my classes, the whole reason I moved across country. I also had had the vision of becoming a mother, so now I examined this relationship - the first since Paul - as something more than just fun...could I be married to David? The answer within me was no, we were very differently motivated. However, though my mind was saying no, my emotions and body were totally hooked. I couldn't let go of him.

I couldn't understand my behavior. I couldn't understand why I was doing what was "wrong" by not going to class and by not breaking off this relationship that didn't have a future. There were times when rage would explode against David, I hated him with as much passion as I loved him. Then the hate would turn on myself, how much I hated myself because I couldn't make myself act in the way I knew I should. I knew the power of mind, I knew my psychological story from all those years in therapy, and all this knowing couldn't touch this need that was consuming me. I couldn't fix it, control it, change it, no matter what I tried, I just couldn't change myself.

Frustrated, I went hiking in the Foothill mountains one day, to sort out my thoughts. With no other hikers around, I felt free to talk out loud to God and I did. I talked and talked and talked as I climbed up one of the mountain trails until I reached the point of exhaustion. Then on the descent, with my mind completely still from the exhaustion, I heard - coming from the trees - "Write, write, write". It's the only time I have heard this Voice coming externally from me. I was so grateful for this "answer", though I wasn't sure what I was to write. I decided I could write more consistently in my journal. In my past, when my emotions overwhelmed me, I would stop writing in my journal for months, I guess afraid to really see myself. It was time to be willing to be naked - at least to myself- in my writing about the darkness I was in.

I dropped out of ministerial school in the spring, I was too far behind to catch up. The darkness in my heart intensified. After one of my rages late one night, David comforted me as he always did, and went to bed. I remember - and wrote in my journal about- standing at the balcony wondering why I was staying alive. I detested myself, I had no close friends, and though I loved my family, we had very little to do with each other's daily lives. I figured they wouldn't miss me more than a few days. There was no one to stay alive for, least of all myself. Then I became aware of The Powerful Presence of God right there with me and I knew that God wanted me to live. I said, "okay, I have no idea why You want me to live, but I'll stay. The only reason why I'm staying on this planet is because of You and no other reason." From that moment on, I never allowed myself to consider intentional death again. It actually was very helpful to know why I was on the planet as, until I made that declaration, I was never sure.

I had stayed in touch with some of my classmates from ministerial school, and wanted to return to school in the fall. I met with Rev. Russ Williams, the minister of the church and dean of the ministerial school. I told him I just didn't understand why I had stopped coming to classes when I loved what I was learning. The only answers I could come up with were about the weakness of my character, and I was sure he was going to lay into me as well. Instead, his response was of compassionate wisdom, "Harriet" he said,"David is obviously meeting a need you have more than school is. What is that need?"

That totally shocked me. I had been rejecting my dependency on David so much, that it had never occurred to me there was something good in it. I had no immediate answer for Rev. Russ, but over time my answer became clear, "love".

When I was with David, I felt physically and emotionally loved. His constant affection, both verbally and physically, were the balm that my Soul longed for more than anything else. Even at my worst, David did not reject me, but loved me. Classes, even about God, were still classes. David was, in the flesh, love.

With this new revelation, the intensity of the self-hatred lessened, but did not go away. I wanted to change things, me, the situation, my life, but I still had no idea how. Why was my spiritual journey not leading me to fulfillment in God's Love? I was stuck.