God First

I joined my 15 classmates for a Christmas potluck to celebrate the end of the fall term. Besides the joyful communion, Rev. Russ had assigned us to write out any spiritual/mystical experiences we had had in our lifetime. Up until that point, not only had I never shared my mystical experiences, I had never thought about them collectively before. I wrote them out, excited and nervous to share them for the first time.

That evening is one of my all-time favorite Christmas celebrations ever! I had never heard other people’s mystical/spiritual experiences before. To sit together, and listen as each person stood and shared their experiences - each so unique and extraordinary - was expansive. The gross physical energy in the room got lighter and lighter, the veil was thin. I shared my experiences in this energy without fear, without any feeling of superiority (spiritual materialism) or inferiority, just in the joy of being in the Light with my friends. For the first time, I wasn’t alone in God, but experiencing this Light with others. It was pure delight!

Then for Christmas, that year, I flew to Boston to be with my oldest brother, his wife and their 2-month-old baby while David went to Mexico for Christmas. I had been floundering all year, and to suddenly be in the midst of my very stable family, continued the healing begun at the Christmas potluck. It wasn’t in the words my family spoke, it was the way they lived their lives day to day, calm, clear, anchored in high ethics and fun. It was a relief. I breathed a little deeper.

The day after Christmas, I walked around Boston, contemplating. I ended up at Old South Church in Copley Square. It was the same denomination of my childhood church (United Church of Christ), and there too, I felt the stability of tradition. I sat in the back pew, I was the only one in the sanctuary, and poured my heart out to Jesus The Christ.

I was powerless to change my life. I cried and cried and cried, I had no idea what to do. Then I just knew. The declaration I made earlier in the year came to me full force, God had to be first in my life every day. I was putting everything before God, and yet God was the reason I wanted to be alive. I breathed. I also knew in my heart, that whatever commitment I made, I made in the name and Spirit of Jesus The Christ, as He was my home, my roots and my anchor in God.

“But Jesus”, I said, “This is too abstract. I want to live for God everyday, but if there’s one thing I now know is, a thought isn’t strong enough for me. I have to anchor it in something I can do, or the idea of God First, just dissipates in the daily grind of life.” I left the church that day with the agreement that I would listen to Jesus The Christ’s guidance over the next week as to how I could anchor my commitment of - God First -every day.

On New Year’s Eve, I was back in L.A., sitting at my dining room table making my commitments. Jesus The Christ had made clear what it was I was to do. I was to meditate (and I didn’t have to worry “how”, just sit silently watching my breath go in and out), journal and exercise every day as my way of saying, “God is first in my life”.

As I wrote my commitments, I released trying to change, or fix anything in my life, I completely surrendered everything. The only thing that mattered was to get those 3 things done everyday, they were more important than my relationships, school, work, my emotions, my tiredness, my thoughts, it didn’t matter - God First. This was going to be the foundation for my new life.