Choosing Culture Over God

I got pregnant the summer after my freshman year at Boston University. It wasn't a total surprise since my boyfriend Paul [name changed] and I had often fantasized about getting married and having a family.

All through my time at Shaker Hts. High School, I felt the pressure that everything I did was to get into a good college. I tried to like school, I tried to like learning for the sake of learning, I tried to enjoy participating in school activities, I tried to be a good athlete, but I just couldn't convince myself that any of it mattered. I found myself silently rebelling to the never ending push - as I perceived it - to excel, by not excelling. As long as things didn't matter one way or another - as they had for those 2 years in Chevy Chase, MD - I could participate freely. Once, however, I was actively being pushed to care about goals that were not of my heart, I couldn't give myself with much passion or genuine interest.

I went to Boston University because my best friend was going to be there, because Paul and one of my brothers were at schools in the Boston area. Relationship was why I was there, not desire for academics or working toward a future career.

What I actually wanted was love, not just any love, but God's Love. Only, I had no idea how to "get" that love. I explored various churches over the years but they just felt empty. Talking theology wasn't what I was looking for, what I hungered for was direct contact with God, and no one was even mentioning it as a possibility. So for me, the closest I could come was a boyfriend. I learned from all the romantic movies/TV shows/Hallmark commercials I had seen, that in a romantic relationship it was okay to open one's heart fully, to express love, love and more love.

The challenge with that for me was, I had so many divisions in me, my interior life and exterior life, my intellect and my emotions, that once I started to open up, all these inner battles began to emerge. I still remember the exact place I was the first time I yelled at Paul. I startled myself because up until that time, I had never yelled at anyone in so much anger. I perceived myself only as "sweet and loving", not as someone who got angry and yelled. This very angry young woman was new and a complete stranger.

Then there was the intellect, "This isn't even close to the perfect guy, why am I giving my heart to him", and I'd turn cold and distant. Then I'd get lonely, and see all the good in Paul, and then I'd become loving and kind again, whatever he wanted, to get back into relationship. Hot and cold, every moment was different. I was a mess, topped onto the mess of going to college with no desire to be there other than to fit in with my culture.

The more out of place I felt at college, the more I turned to my relationship with Paul as the only thing that did make sense to me. I remember saying over and over, the only thing I knew I wanted was to be married and have children. I loved being with my family and I wanted to continue to be in a family. College, career, seemed like something I had to do to pass the time until it was "appropriate" to do what I really wanted - get married and have kids.

Thus getting pregnant in the summer of 1985, when I was 19, was not a surprise. At the same time, as soon as I found out, I pictured myself as I had been the last 3 years with (and without) Paul..."how can I be a mother when I'm so lost myself? I'm an emotional mess, how can I take care of a baby?" In that moment, I decided to do what I promised myself I would never do, I decided to get an abortion. Paul was furious that he wasn't even part of the decision making process and very sad, he wanted the baby.

My intellect and reason had taken over again, the coldness returned, I was going to do it because it was the best thing for everyone, period.

The weekend before the abortion, I went with a friend and her family to a beach in the Hamptons. I remember having almost constant morning sickness, I remember watching Boris Becker play in Wimbledon for the first time, and I remember the vision/dream I had while lounging on the beach.

I was staring at a sail boat crossing the ocean in front of me as I drifted off to sleep. We were in a hotel, Paul, our 6 year old, blond-haired boy, and me, getting ready to go somewhere. I was dressing in the bedroom, Paul and our boy were in the bathroom, goofing around in front of the mirror. I'm annoyed, trying to hurry them along. Then I woke up. I remember staring out at the ocean absolutely clear I could and would never get the abortion. This vision/dream was Real, and it showed me that it would work if we had the baby, that Paul and I could do it.

Yet, my intellect and the culture I lived in prevailed. I couldn't even imagine telling my parents I was going to have a baby. I didn't know a single person from high school or college that had a baby, and I had no desire to be the "loser" who dropped out of school to have a baby instead of a college education. I hadn't yet learned to trust the visions given me, so I went back to my "normal" - race-conscious - mind, and went ahead with the abortion, to Paul's devastation.

Later I "decided" (I use this word a lot in my journals when my intellect is in control) that since I was pro-choice, I wasn't going to be ashamed of having an abortion. As I began to share with friends that I had had an abortion, I found out something astounding. Many young women, and young men, had gone through this experience too. Where I thought I was the only one in my world who had gotten pregnant, I found out I was part of a very large club and this made me angry and very sad. What if we had been able to talk about it out loud? What different choices might have been made if I knew I wasn't alone?

Yet even learning that the highest rate of abortions was among women age 18 - 19, I still felt a bit different. I was confidant that all those pregnancies were accidental, and I was ashamed to admit that I had had actually desired to be pregnant.

I had the abortion, I told myself, because I didn't know who I was or what I wanted (this was culturally appropriate reasoning ). I was avoiding "finding myself", my career, by wanting to be married and have a baby. It never once occurred to me that I did know who I was, and I knew exactly what I wanted. I made a devastating decision based on the values that surrounded me, but not from the ones in my heart.

It is also a decision that caused Paul lasting heartache...I broke some major Soul agreements. Having the abortion is a choice for which I still feel pain, regret and sorrow, time hasn't lessened it. It is especially heart-wrenching since I was blessed with such a loving, wise vision from God guiding me to make a different choice. Culture over the Infinite Love-Intelligence of the universe...never a great way to go.