How I Got To Be The Way I Am...Maybe.

I believe we are born into this world not as blank slates, but with a mass of habit patterns already in place. Where these habit patterns come from, genetics or past lives, is a question I can't really answer though I do have my suspicions. I suspect our propensities are caused both by past lives and genetics, and I even believe genetics are determined by these propensities. I do distinguish between belief and knowing, and this most certainly is my belief, thus, I remain open to other possibilities.

For me, I was born happy and timid. I was not an extrovert, but an introvert, happier at home with family than out in the noisy, chaotic and extremely confusing world. Perhaps it was because of this tendency that I was naturally drawn to anything religious. However, I believe my interest in the religious also was a prediliction with which I was born. I feel as though I actually haven't had much choice in who I am, that it was something I was born to be, and thus each circumstance related to that purpose took on greater value and significance in my life.

For example, I went to a Jewish montessori school for 3 years, 2 years of nursery school and 1 year of kindergarten. By far, what I remember most of those 3 years was having Shabbat every Friday, learning Hebrew and the various celebrations of Jewish holidays. I also have a memory of standing in front of the mirror while I was in the classroom, watching my mouth as I sang the "glorias" of Angels We Have Heard on High. Though I have vague memories of some of the "works" of montessori, and spent significantly more time on them then standing in front of the mirror singing, or the once a week Shabbat, it is the religious where I feel the strongest and fondest memories.

So much of what we teach in the individuation process is that we are not victims, we have choice, we have power to change our life and yet so much of my experience seems to be fueled by something much greater than my individual will. What about you? Has your individual will created the life you now have? Do you feel the influence of something greater than your individual self in creating who you are and how you show up in the world? Is it genetics and enviornment, or is there something else in the mix?

I find in asking these questions of ourselves, it helps to hang out in the paradox of both/and rather then either/or. If God is All, there must be some truth in all perspectives, yes?

Love Is The Answer

It was during the Christmas season that my journey with my Beloved, Jesus The Christ, became the most important thing in my life. I loved the stories of Jesus I learned in church, mostly that He loved everyone and everything, and did not judge anyone. My Mom raised me to believe that Jesus was the greatest human being that ever lived, though she was unsure about all the miracles and other -worldly stuff. I am so grateful for this as it allowed Jesus to be a hero for me, someone I could aspire to be like, as he was human just like me.


It is in this context that, during a Christmas season when I was in elementary school, I turned off all the lights in the downstairs area of our house (except in the kitchen where my Mom was making dinner). I turned on the Christmas tree lights and the one orange electric candle that stood on our upright piano. I put a Christmas album on my Dad's phonograph and I danced around the living room to the holy songs praising Baby Jesus. When Away in the Manger started playing, I pretended the manger with Jesus was right there in the middle of the living room and I danced around it. As I danced, I loved with my whole heart and being this Baby Jesus, and I also felt and received, His vast, unconditional love for me...I stopped dancing and just stood there loving and being loved...and suddenly, this place where I had been imagining Baby Jesus became full of Light. This Light raised up and moved toward me, though it had no personification, it was simply Love. And this Love merged with me, and I was It and It was me and all of life. It encompassed everything. I am aware of my Mom in the kitchen being in the Light too, there were no walls, and the Light was far beyond anything I could "see".


This Love was beyond, beyond, beyond any love I thought I had known before this. I loved and adored my family, and yet I was struck by how small this love was compared to God's Love. I don't know how long the experience was, maybe just for a moment, maybe longer. I just know from that moment on, my life was God's. I didn't know what that meant, but I knew everything paled in comparison to that Love, and that my life was committed to It, through Jesus The Christ, forever. Baby Jesus in a manger, not even the man who became a Master Teacher, but a baby, innocent, no -thing added, simple, pure I Am Love - from which all life is birthed and which all life returns - this is the Truth about life for me, the Truth I have aspired my whole life, to Be.